a new start...

{click on image above to see original article and
daily devotions from Heartlight.org}

Am I Beyond God’s Forgiveness?

by Jim Clark

Did you ever think you were beyond God’s forgiveness?

Russell Ford has befriended hundreds of men who believed that lie. Yet God’s grace showed them otherwise. When I read his story this summer I was struck with the beauty of Christ’s forgiveness and the miracle of God’s awesome grace.

Russell Ford has watched many of his friends die. It’s an integral part of his most unusual ministry. Ford is a chaplain for Death Row inmates in Boydton, Virginia. He knows he can’t save men’s lives. But he can lead them to the One who saves souls.

Ford works with men who have committed gruesome murders. Some of them refuse to accept Christ’s forgiveness. But thankfully, some do. He has helped several brutal murderers become repentant pilgrims.

Men like Alton Waye. He was convicted for killing a sixty-one year old woman. Even other death row inmates found Waye to be particularly mean. As with others, Russell Ford taught this man the gospel. Months passed and yet Waye didn’t seemed to change.

Then days before his 1989 execution, this murderer’s demeanor had suddenly reversed. Ford walked Waye’s cell and found him singing spirituals. He had decided to accept the pardon from Jesus. The night before he was executed Alton Waye, the murderer, confessed his faith in Jesus and was baptized. Twelve members of the death squad witnessed God’s miracle of redemption. After the baptism, they all joined hands, singing “Amazing Grace” and reciting the Lord’s prayer.

No one is beyond Christ’s forgiveness.

You may think, “But I feel so unworthy. I’ve failed God so terribly.”

Listen, we’ve all failed.

We’re all sinners.

The great apostle Paul called himself the worst of sinners.

And yet Christ showed him mercy “as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.“ (1 Timothy 1:16, NIV)

When you’ve really blown it with your life. When you just can’t shake this feeling that God won’t forgive you, the place to go is Jesus. As I think of the stories of Jesus interacting with “sinners” and religious leaders, I’m reminded of the stark contrast between His interaction with each group. So often those who knew they were wrong before God were often the ones most attracted to the Lord. While those who believed their religious balance sheet put them in the black locked horns with this One who claimed to be the Messiah.

Jesus extended the realm of God’s mercy.

I’ve just finished an outstanding book on Jesus by my favorite author, Philip Yancey.

It’s entitled "The Jesus I never knew".

His chapter on the revolution of grace unearthed for me a fresh new glimpse at the approachable nature of Jesus. As he peruses the various encounters Jesus had with the unsavory people of his day, Yancey makes these observations:

“In word and deed Jesus was proclaiming a radically new gospel of grace...In short, Jesus moved the emphasis from God’s holiness (exclusive) to God’s mercy (inclusive). Instead of the message ‘No undesirables allowed,’ he proclaimed, ‘In God’s kingdom there are no undesirables.’ By going out of his way to meet with Gentiles, eat with sinners, and touch the sick, he extended the realm of God’s mercy.”

As I read of the grisly crimes of these death row inmates, I caught myself thinking the words of the pious Pharisee in Luke 18. Then I read Chaplain Ford’s reminder: “Christ died for all of our sins. These men committed terrible sin, but they are not beyond God’s love.“

Aren’t we all guilty?

Paul states clearly that the ground is level at the foot of the cross.

“For there is no distinction to be made anywhere: everyone has sinned, everyone falls short of the God’s plan.“ (Romans 3:23)

In a sense, everyone of us is on death row. Until Jesus opens the door locked by our sin and acquits us of our crime against the Holy One. We all can be pardoned because Jesus “went to the chair” for us. Everyone of us.

“A man who has faith is freely acquitted in the eyes of God by his generous dealing in the redemptive act of Christ Jesus.“ (Romans 3:24)

We can learn a lot from Alton Waye, the death row inmate. He discovered that the grace of God was not out of his reach, no matter how badly he sinned. And neither is it out of reach for all of us. Look again at Jesus. Look again to Jesus. His life and sacrifice for us shout out the timeless good news-an eternal pardon is awaiting anyone who comes to the Father through faith in His Son. He’s the author of radical grace, the grace that truly can set our souls free.

When you feel you’ve outsinned God’s grace, remember this:

your forgiveness doesn’t depend on your worthiness, but on what Christ has done for you at the cross.

He loves you.

Receive that love and new start today...

what compassion can do...

{click on image above to see original article and

daily devotions from Heartlight.org}

More than One Way to Hit a Homerun,
by Steve Higginbotham

You've probably already heard what happened recently when Central Washington and Western Oregon faced off against each other in a softball game --

At stake was a bid to the NCAA's Division II playoffs.
Western Oregon's, Sara Tucholsky came to the plate with two runners on base.
Tucholsky was a lifetime .153 hitter and had never hit a homerun.
However, things were about to change.
She connected on a pitch and hit a three run homer!
Due to her excitement, she missed first base.
So she stopped and turned to go back to the base.
But when she made the sudden stop and turn, she collapsed to the ground, having torn her ACL.
The people in the stands were shedding tears.
That's when things got interesting.
Mallory Holtman and Liz Wallace, two players on the opposing team offered to carry her around
the bases so that her homerun would not be counted as a single.
So these two players gently picked up Tucholsky, and carried her around the bases,
allowing her to tap each base along the way.
After reaching home plate,these two girls handed Tucholsky off to her own teammates.
The players, the coaches, and the people in the stands were applauding and shedding tears
because of this act of compassion.
When asked later why she did it, Mallory Holtman said that it was senior day and that if it
had happened to her, she would have wanted someone to come to her aid.
In other words, she was practicing the "Golden Rule" --

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

(Matthew 7:12 paraphrased).
Isn't it amazing how following the common principles of Jesus makes such an impact for good in our world?
Open your eyes to the possibilities before you.
You may not have the opportunity to carry someone around the bases;
but if you look around at school, your job or your neighborhood, you will find things you can do that can have just as much impact on the lives of others.
---------
(c) 2008 Steve Higginbotham

thank You, thank You, my Father...

along with millions of people, me and my lil family tuned in to watch the finale of american idol...

the final contestants, two wonderful people with sincere hearts and amazing talent...

we had watched the night before, as they each sang 3 songs and gave everything they had in the moment.

my heart broke when simon went too far in several of his comments and i watched the spirit of david cook fall to the proverbial floor.
there was real discouragement there and i grew angry with simon's unfeeling assessment of his 3 performances while he actively rallied for david archuleta.

as i watched last night, i remembered with great feeling all simon had said the night before...i was so disappointed in the man who i've grown to admire.

then the unthinkable happened...

simon 'ate and owned' his behavior and words of the night before!

in front of literally millions of people, he unabashedly apologized in detail and my heart soared towards the judge who people have loved to hate.

and though i am so grateful to Abba that 'cookie' won, i am most grateful and thrilled that a seemingly harsh and indifferent man, chose to 'eat and own' his damaging behavior.

what courage that takes!

what beauty is seen in the utter vulnerability of that moment!

what grace that God bestows upon us when we are humble and contrite!

to me, there is nothing as lovely and precious as the moment we 'eat and own' what we have done...

though simon may or may not be a Christian, i truly felt the presence of God when he admitted his previous night's behavior was wrong.

have you ever felt compelled to call or write a loved one when you knew you had to repent of something you've done?

ever felt the fear of rejection and yet moved forward courageously into that moment anyways?

i have.

though my repentance was and always will be genuine, i was rejected nonetheless...

the heartache of not being believed, of not being accepted, of not being forgiven, is too vast for me to describe here, but i am sure i am not alone in this experience and even if i could go back to the moment i confessed and begged for another chance,
i would not change a thing...

true repentance is not contingent upon other's forgiveness...
it is a gift from God and though the 'death to self' is indescribably painful, it is worth every single minute...

when we repent, we become free...

free from inner condemnation,

free from the oppressive guilt.

and free to let Abba work it out in the lives of those around us.

i cannot change a single person i've known and loved...

i can only change me.

and

i can only change me with Abba's help.

we just cannot do it on our own...

if there is anything at all that is 'unfinished business' between you and someone else,
please take the courageous step forward into 'eating and owning' your own behavior.

you can do it...

if i can...you can.

accept the Lord's help in moving forward towards repentance...

and He'll stand beside you until your sorrow turns to joy.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
*2 peter 3:9*

weary...

i'm tired tonight, Abba...

worn down by the Battle

and too weary for even

one

more

word.

this old fool...

this apology is dedicated to t, a, i, and lil g...

this last weekend i made a terrible mistake...
motivated by fear, shock and sorrow, i acted on just 1 piece of information
and hurt you in the process.
i believed my daughter was being tortured.
and though the situation was dire for my daughter, there was no torture involved.

that's why i wrote the things i did...
but my motive doesn't make it any better...
and for causing you such grief, i am sorry.

you all mean the world to me and i should have fought that spirit of fear and turned the whole situation over to Abba who is much more than able to take care of it all then me and my ridiculous lack of information.
though others have turned on me, (with good reason), you didn't, and i will be grateful to you forever...

so, please forgive me and know i will do a much better job of handing things over to Abba, the next time...
though i pray there isn't one!

please know i love you all dearly...
i hurt you and if i could, i'd never say the things i did and i'd never base everything on 1 single piece of information.
if i could...

this old fool,

elaine

it's Prom!

my handsome son and his beautiful sweetie...

thank you!

even though my birthday is not officially for 2 more days, my family

combined easter and my birthday yesterday...

it was the best birthday party i think i've ever had!
so much kindness and thoughtfulness put into it all
with pretty decorations, a delicious cake and such kind gifts...

and i'm just so grateful to them all:

mom & dad

renee', ron, corey, christopher and king linus

nattie, gregory and li-li

mou, nanna and beezawee.

we all missed ernzy...he is the only one that could have made it even more special.

(~we love you always, ernzy~)

we had an easter egg hunt outside, even though it was rainy...

i couldn't join in but i watched and cheered them on!

(my mom joined the kids and she looked so precious and tiny as she quietly looked for eggs...God bless you, Ma)

there was ham, a beautiful fruit salad, green-bean casserole, potatoes o'gratin, rolls, shrimp cocktail dip, vanilla ice cream and a beautiful cake from cosco...

mom blessed me with 4 pairs of shoes - (i have pretty strappy heels now!), 2 beautiful button up cardigans - one red, one cream, jewelry, a new silver purse, nail polish and makeup!

dad blessed me with a very nice box fan - (i sleep on my couch and not in my room and the white noise helps me rest), and smokes - yay!

'nae and ron blessed me with a beautiful pink-ice sterling ring and money for Taco Bell - my new fav! (for some reason, it is the only thing i can eat that doesn't make me want to "v")

nattie and gregory blessed me with a funny card and a gift card to barnes & noble...i can never have too many books, i am a voracious reader!

treesa peesa has blessed me with a homemade betty boop purse, cadbury eggs and my fav hair dye!

i mean WOW...

best birthday ever!!!

thank you all for loving me so much...

and though i can never deserve it or understand why, i will be grateful for always and always and always...

all my heart and soul,

your lainey

i want to be seen...

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me,

an emptiness that at times seems to burn.

I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.

The moon tonight, there's a circle around it.

Sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole.

Of not going to sleep each night, wanting.

But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing...

I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me.

I want to be seen.

I don't know.

Maybe I had my happiness.

I don't want to believe it but, there is no man.

Only that moon..."

~Practical Magic~

for ernzy...

(my mom decided this year to bury ernzy's ashes...to give him a resting place.

he now lies next to my dad.

the following is what i read at his memorial service.

i love you, ernzy...this is for you.)

"FOR ERNZY"

i call him 'my ernzy'

but i think he was never truly mine.

he was God's

he IS God's

and he will always be mom's little boy...

i am grateful to ernzy for many things...

ernzy encouraged me to sing, made me laugh when i cried and included me in some of his childhood adventures.

he kept me safe in school when we attended at the same time.

girls, in his grade, came up to me often and said how great they thought ernzy was.

teachers would tell me what a joy it was to have him in their classroom.

i was proud of him for that.

ernzy often pushed the boundaries in this life.

he was an inventor...a visionary.

he was never content to look at life and say 'there it is'...

he looked at something and said 'how can i change it?'

he became my hero when my life was falling down around my ears and my little cat, zaw-zaw baby, died in the middle of it all.

he came to my house and told me he would bury zaw-zaw for me so i wouldn't have to.

he quietly and gently buried him and said a small prayer for him.

he wanted to spare me as much pain as he could...

that's a hero.

he wanted to be just like chuck norris and evil knievel wrapped in one.

he loved imitating chuck from the movies and building ramps for his bicycle.

always pushing the boundaries...

how fast can i go? how much farther?

he tried to save the life of a baby birdy...

he gave it warmth, light, food and love.

he couldn't save it, but, oh how he tried.

it is a credit to him how much he loved...

how much he believed in love and how much he wanted to be loved in return.

i failed him at different times in his life -

that is certain.

i wish i could tell him how sorry i am for those moments...

i'm sure he'd love me and forgive me in time.

there were times he failed me too, but all i think about when i think of him, is how much i'd give for just 5 more minutes with him.

i think we all wish for that.

regardless of any of his failings, his life shouts this lesson to us all:

whatever he did, whoever he loved, he gave all he had.

he held nothing back.

he didn't count on tomorrow

he lived for today...

i think we should too.

jonah...

VERSE:
"From inside the fish Jonah prayed ... "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry."
-- Jonah 2:1-2

THOUGHT:
Jonah was disobedient, rebellious, and selfish.
He had run from the Lord.
He had shunned the Lord's command.
He had endangered the lives of those on the ship where he had tried to hide.
Yet even in the middle of his rebellion, God heard his cry and delivered him.
If you are in rebellion, if you are seeking to hide some secret and all-consuming sin, please know the Lord wants to ransom and redeem you!
Things won't be easy, but coming back to the Lord means ultimate redemption and deliverance.

PRAYER:
Holy and righteous Father, please forgive me of my sin.
In your grace, dear Father, please lead me to someone who needs to know of your grace and redemption. Please use me to help them escape from their bondage to sin and shame.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

for those who remain...

thank You, Abba...

for good friends,

people who love you through the thick and thin of life...

for those who forgive,

people who willingly grant you a second, third, gazillioneth chance...

for those who believe,

people who choose to see the best in you, even when there is very little to see...

for those who never give up,

people who'd rather stay in the fight than retreat to a corner of safety...

thank You, for putting people in my life who really care - who are patient with me and who really know how to love me...

especially when i can never deserve or earn it.

special mention to:

ttt, nanna, mou, beezawee and my ma & dad...

may i love you fully in return and when you need it the most.

my love to you all,

lainey

goodbye 2007...

goodbye 2007~

to your failures and victories.

your sorrows and your joys.

your rejections and your embraces.

your disappointments and your hopes...

goodbye 2007~

may 2008 give what you could not.

may love blossom where there has been none.

may our lives be fuller.

may we strive harder than before to give all we have for our Abba Father, Jesus & the Holy Spirit.

may we love transparently

regardless of the closed doors and silent mouths.

may we be the best versions of ourselves for each other ~

and for God.

goodbye 2007~

once gone, it's gone forever...

and i am glad in the going.

Happy Thanksgiving!

i praise Abba for another Thanksgiving on this earth and with those i truly love the most...

God bless to each and everyone of you!

the other side...

"I have never seen a more bitter and hopeless couple.
They sat in front of me, each accusing the other of the most serious offenses.
Not only that, they were both telling me their own sides of the stories of how the police had been
called out several times to break up fights.
Both of them had been arrested and charged with spousal abuse.
Theirs is a very sad story but let me tell you how it began.
They met while each of them was married to someone else.
They didn’t work in the same company, but they did business together.
Their working relationship put them in close proximity to one another on a regular basis.
They both had issues in their marriages that they weren’t dealing with properly.
Each of them admitted this later in counseling as they lamented how they wished they had
worked harder on their first marriages.
Because they weren’t dealing with their marriage problems properly and were coming to work
with unmet needs and offenses toward their spouses, they were set up for an affair and it happened.
At first, like all affairs, they lied about it and kept it covered up.
For months they planned secret liaisons where they met and had sex.
Finally, “in love” and convinced they had met their “soul mates”, they dropped the bombshell
and both announced to their spouses, children, families and friends that they had been having an
affair and were divorcing to marry each other.
As you can imagine, it was devastating to everyone and many people tried to talk them out of it.
It didn’t work.
They both chanted the same mantra for months after the announcement.
“We are in love and have never been so happy”, they would reply when questioned by friends or family.
Of course, the worst part of the story was the children.
In spite of how they tried to explain everything to them, the kids never accepted it.
Despite all the attempts to stop them, their affair turned into a marriage.
With their hopes high and a trail of broken hearts in their wake they began their new lives together.
Of course, over time, the sex became mundane and the problems they had tried to run from in their first marriages resurfaced.
Also, just like in their first marriages, they blamed each other and refused to change.
But unlike their first marriages, their anger at each other became explosive.
They both now blamed the other for destroying their first marriages and their lives.
Their fights were so violent at times that they were arrested and had to be treated at the hospital. Interestingly, the person who put them in the hospital was their “soul mate” they were willing to
leave their previous marriage for.
Hmmmm.
The point of this story is this: Don’t run from problems in life or marriage because they will follow
you and get worse.
You can’t run from God or yourself; and refusing to confront difficult issues and take personal responsibility creates a pattern of weakness in our lives that we also model to our children.
The best marriages are those with the best work ethic.
When you’re having problems, roll up you sleeves and work it out.
Don’t go to work or online and look for a replacement for your spouse.
It never works.
The story I have just told you illustrates the harsh reality of what can happen when we run from our problems.
The grass always looks greener on the other side until you get there.
Unfortunately, that is also when you look back at where you came from and realize the grass was much greener than you thought it was.

Blessings,

Jimmy Evans"

(from "Marriage Today" by Jimmy & Karen Evans)

ernzy...

i've been really blessed today...my soul-sis and closest friend, ttt, came to visit (and she is staying the night right now) and when i had nowhere else to turn for help, she and her precious froggy, helped me.

my children are healthy and doing well in school, my lil petey is my constant companion and friend, the kitties are doing well and even the weather was pretty today...

so many blessings...

i watched the movie "1408" tonight and in it John Cusacks character gets to see his deceased little girl again...gets to hold her and cry and just be with her again and something inside me started to hurt...

i started to bleed.

i'd give the world to be able to see my brother, ernzy, again...to hear his voice and give him a fierce hug.

it's a wound that is with me always.

somedays i barely feel any pain and others...like now, it's like i'm hearing it for the first time all over again.

there is so much in this world that i truly do not understand...it seems that the older i become the less i know...and until Jesus comes for us, i will never understand how i lost both my father and brother to suicide.

i do not understand how one day ernzy can be with me visiting and just 2 days later shoot himself.

i cannot even conceive of it.

and at times like this, i cannot bear the pain.

my mom and sisters knew what happened before i did.

my mom called ttt to hurry and come over because my lil sister nattie, was on her way to tell me the news.

though it happened last february, i cannot think of my lil sister without remembering that terrible, terrible day.

I want to see my ernzy again...dear Abba, my Father, my Daddy.

i want to see him now...this moment.

after ernzy died, i wasn't 'making it', i was barely surviving and then one night i had a dream, where i was in Heaven and i saw ernzy...

he was, for the only time in his life, whole, and completely at peace.

though i cannot remember my dreams, i can describe in great detail the contents of that dream.

it wasn't just a dream.

it was Abba helping me to see how ernzy is whole now.

the peace on his face cannot be truly described, such contentment, no more fear, pain or struggle.

and that dream changed me.

it saved me.

the picture of ernzy in my mind was replaced by how i saw him in the dream.

he was wearing a beautiful gray sweater, just like one he had, and he was leaning up against a beautiful white and luminous wall and smiling.

i've never seen a smile like that.

it was pure peace and pure joy.

can you imagine?

Heavenly peace and joy...

my brother had lived a tortuous, frail, and indescribably painful life.

his wife had abandoned him shortly before his death.

he tried everything he could to get her to just come home again, but her addiction to pain pills kept her

in a strange and unreachable place.

she refused to even speak with him over the telephone.

and almost immediately following his last attempt to reach her, her liver shut down and she was rushed to the hospital.

to save her from further damage, the physicians placed her into a deliberate coma.

she died just a day or two later...

ernzy never got to resolve things with her...he never even got to say goodbye.

and ernzy didn't want to live anymore...he didn't want to live without her.

he couldn't face the prospect of living without his wife.

so he used a gun, (like my dad did), and took his life...

i praise God for giving me that dream/vision of how ernzy is now.

the pain is behind him, no more struggle, no more heartache...he's finally free.

and at long last, no more torture...

when the pain rolls over me in waves, i cling to that image, that knowledge that ernzy is still alive...

alive and truly at peace.

i miss you, ernzy.

and i love you so very, very much.

pleasant dreams to us all...

when it rains...

(written in 2007 )

Have you ever held onto a dream that doesn't make sense?

Like a candle that doesn't ever seem to go out?

I have.

I've hoped and believed in a dream that has yet to come true.

Makes me feel a bit like Noah.

Oh, how they mocked and ridiculed him for building a boat and warning them of the last earthly flood.

But I think that's how faith is...a risk...the greatest risk there is.

To believe that God doesn't lie.

To hold onto the impossible, believing He can change anything and anyone.

In the blink of an eye...

Do you believe?

Are you willing to proclaim His great and everlasting Love to a world

filled with unbelief and doubt?

As for me and mine, I'm gonna hold onto this dream...this promise.

And like Noah, when it begins to rain, I won't be a fool anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God's Own Fool"

~Verse 1~

Seems I've imagined Him all of my life

As the wisest of all of mankind

But if God's Holy wisdom is foolish to men

He must have seemed out of His mind

For even His family said He was mad

And the priest said a demon's to blame

But God in the form of this angry young man

Could not have seemed perfectly sane

~Chorus~

When we in our foolishness thought we were wise

He played the fool and He opened our eyes

When we in our weakness believed we were strong

He became helpless to show we were wrong

And so we follow God's own fool

For only the foolish can tell

Believe the unbelievable

Come be a fool as well

~Verse 2~

So come lose your life for a carpenter's son

For a madman who had died for a dream

And you'll feel the faith His first followers had

And you'll feel the weight of the beam

So surrender the hunger to say you must know

Have the courage to say I believe

For the power of paradox opens your eyes

And blinds those who say they can see

~Chorus~

So we follow God's own Fool

For only the foolish can tell

Believe the unbelievable, and come be a fool as well

*by Michael Card*

new beginnings...

just recently i've been blessed by Abba and our house is going through new renovations!
everything is new and today we've added a new member to our family...

petey!

he is a mini-mini daschund, very small, quiet, loving, a lap doggy and we are all thrilled!

i just wanted to praise You, Abba for all the mercies and blessings You've bestowed upon this little family...

we are all so very grateful, Father...Thank You!

"loving a ghost..."

i've been in love with a ghost...
for almost 4 years.
i've been in love with a memory.
the memory of my ex-husband.
the memory of many years ago.
the memory of a man who no longer exists.
he's gone.
dead and buried.

a man who rarely drank or swore,
did not smoke pot any longer,
did not buy or watch pornography,
who read the Word of God,
attended church,
prayed,
fasted,
spoke tenderly,
was not easily offended or angered,
was incredibly kind and long-suffering,
did not seek revenge,
did not harbor unforgiveness and hatred in his heart,
knew what i was feeling before i said it...
a truly unique man.

but that incredible man is gone.
he's been gone for almost 4 years
and i have to face it.
i have to let go.
i have to stop mourning him.

each day i have woken up
hoping today would be the day.
where he'd call
or write an email
or snail-mail
or instant message me
and tell me he's sorry.
from the bottom of his soul ~ sorry.

sorry for completely abandoning me,
his wife,
and his 3 step-children.
for never trying to reconcile with me.
not once.
for never looking back.
for throwing away all of the years
we spent together.
for tearing asunder what Abba Father
had joined as one.
for never apologizing, never "eating and owning"
each cruel and deliberate act or word.
for doubting the advanced liver disease i have, calling me a liar.
for believing that not even Jesus Christ of Nazareth, could change me.
for looking at me with icicles for eyes, when i confessed all i had ever done,
and asked him to please, please forgive me,
to please give me just one more chance.
for not forgiving me the way Jesus has forgiven him.
for giving up.
for walking away when i begged him to stay.
for divorcing me, a repentant and changed woman, who utterly adored him.
for marrying another...

april 12th has come and gone.
we would have been married for 9 years.
i would have spoiled him.
i would have prayed for him while i watched him sleep.
i would have done all i could to make his dreams come true.
i would have honored him.
loved him.
adored him.
listened more
and talked less.
protected his self-esteem.
stood unitedly with him in the
decision-making for this family.
i would have praised his accomplishments
and forgiven his failures.
i would have prayed for him
each and every day of our lives,
the way i've done for the last 3+ years.

but i can't.
that man is dead and gone.
and it's just that simple.
so, i have to stop mourning him daily.
and only remember him when april 12th comes around again...

miracles do happen...

yesterday one of my dreams came true...

a promise from Abba...

i've waited for it to come to pass for almost 5 years.

it happened...

it really did, and i'm so grateful to Abba for helping me and the kids to hold on.

i've felt like a salmon swimming upstream again and again and had become weary from the hoping.

but God promised and when He felt the time was just right, He turned our hopes into reality...

and now that tumultuous journey has ended...finally!

so, Abba, this is my public praise and thanks to You, my Father, Jesus, my Brother, and Holy Spirit, my Counselor...

thank You All so very very very very much!

and thank You for not giving up on me and the kids...giving me hope all along the way, trying to keep my head above water and loving me even through those times of doubt and disbelief...forgiving me when i was sure You had abandoned me.

i'm so sorry for those times of doubt, my Abba, my Dad...You never deserved those moments and i'm just so sorry for that disbelief.

me and the children will never forget yesterday...we will be grateful forever.

love,

Your lainey

"Break away"

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

[Bridge]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

~by kelly clarkson~

anyway...

i just finished watching "The Upside of Anger", and
i've been thinking about my last doctor's visit:
"This will kill you, we just don't know when..."
it makes now...today...so very vivid and important. . .

today i swam in cheney's pool for the first time...
loving the cool water, friendly faces and the diving boards.
they have a high diving board and a low one...'we gotta go, mom' said my girls and because i hate
being afraid of anything, i said 'yes!'
so together we waited in line and when it was my turn, i felt the old fears from when i was younger.
but i climbed the ladder and walked out onto the skinny board, with my heart hammering loudly until i was at the end and i did it.
i jumped.
my girls clapped and went after me and i did 3 more times on the high and once on the low.

the noises, the voices, the rules to follow, the excitement and fears, taking turns being brave than afraid,
the unknown where you're just falling and falling and the relief of coming to the surface again, just breathing and smiling...
that's what life is, i think.

i've tried to be brave in telling others how much i love them,
being careful not to waste the moment...
sometimes they love you back and sometimes they don't,
but it matters, to say it anyways.

i think the words of the new martina mcbride song say it best...

ANYWAY

"You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea - sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love
Anyway"

independence....Apart from Him

when Jesus says:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:4-6
it is a literal interpretation as well as metaphorical.
we can do nothing without relying completely on Him.

no matter how self-reliant this world teaches us to be,
independence does not equal strength.
self-reliance is actually the opposite of God's teaching in the Word.
if we could do it all just by depending on ourselves,
then why did Jesus need to die for us?
if it was all up to us, who would need Him?

we all need to come to the place where we look
Heavenward and ask God to take the reins,
admitting that we don't know what we're doing,
and asking for help...

on our own and apart from Jesus, we can do no lasting good.
i am a perfect example of this...
each time i have 'leaned upon my own understanding',
i have screwed up my life and my relationships.
maybe not right away, but given enough time
my so-called self-reliance will cause damages galore.

it's true for us all.
let me put it another way...
we suck on our own!

i cannot succeed without leaning on Jesus...
oh sure, i might be okay at first, but ultimately i'd become the titanic,
sinking me and everyone else with me.

each time i tell God to scoot over and i take the wheel, i end up failing
and hurting myself and the people i love the most.
then God waits for me to surrender control and He quietly takes over again.

so how about a little less relying on yourself and a little more relying on Him?
'cuz you might survive on your own without Him,
but you would never truly live...

* Proverbs 3:4-6
* I Timothy 1:15