"loving a ghost..."

i've been in love with a ghost...
for almost 4 years.
i've been in love with a memory.
the memory of my ex-husband.
the memory of many years ago.
the memory of a man who no longer exists.
he's gone.
dead and buried.

a man who rarely drank or swore,
did not smoke pot any longer,
did not buy or watch pornography,
who read the Word of God,
attended church,
prayed,
fasted,
spoke tenderly,
was not easily offended or angered,
was incredibly kind and long-suffering,
did not seek revenge,
did not harbor unforgiveness and hatred in his heart,
knew what i was feeling before i said it...
a truly unique man.

but that incredible man is gone.
he's been gone for almost 4 years
and i have to face it.
i have to let go.
i have to stop mourning him.

each day i have woken up
hoping today would be the day.
where he'd call
or write an email
or snail-mail
or instant message me
and tell me he's sorry.
from the bottom of his soul ~ sorry.

sorry for completely abandoning me,
his wife,
and his 3 step-children.
for never trying to reconcile with me.
not once.
for never looking back.
for throwing away all of the years
we spent together.
for tearing asunder what Abba Father
had joined as one.
for never apologizing, never "eating and owning"
each cruel and deliberate act or word.
for doubting the advanced liver disease i have, calling me a liar.
for believing that not even Jesus Christ of Nazareth, could change me.
for looking at me with icicles for eyes, when i confessed all i had ever done,
and asked him to please, please forgive me,
to please give me just one more chance.
for not forgiving me the way Jesus has forgiven him.
for giving up.
for walking away when i begged him to stay.
for divorcing me, a repentant and changed woman, who utterly adored him.
for marrying another...

april 12th has come and gone.
we would have been married for 9 years.
i would have spoiled him.
i would have prayed for him while i watched him sleep.
i would have done all i could to make his dreams come true.
i would have honored him.
loved him.
adored him.
listened more
and talked less.
protected his self-esteem.
stood unitedly with him in the
decision-making for this family.
i would have praised his accomplishments
and forgiven his failures.
i would have prayed for him
each and every day of our lives,
the way i've done for the last 3+ years.

but i can't.
that man is dead and gone.
and it's just that simple.
so, i have to stop mourning him daily.
and only remember him when april 12th comes around again...