anyway...

i just finished watching "The Upside of Anger", and
i've been thinking about my last doctor's visit:
"This will kill you, we just don't know when..."
it makes now...today...so very vivid and important. . .

today i swam in cheney's pool for the first time...
loving the cool water, friendly faces and the diving boards.
they have a high diving board and a low one...'we gotta go, mom' said my girls and because i hate
being afraid of anything, i said 'yes!'
so together we waited in line and when it was my turn, i felt the old fears from when i was younger.
but i climbed the ladder and walked out onto the skinny board, with my heart hammering loudly until i was at the end and i did it.
i jumped.
my girls clapped and went after me and i did 3 more times on the high and once on the low.

the noises, the voices, the rules to follow, the excitement and fears, taking turns being brave than afraid,
the unknown where you're just falling and falling and the relief of coming to the surface again, just breathing and smiling...
that's what life is, i think.

i've tried to be brave in telling others how much i love them,
being careful not to waste the moment...
sometimes they love you back and sometimes they don't,
but it matters, to say it anyways.

i think the words of the new martina mcbride song say it best...

ANYWAY

"You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea - sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love
Anyway"