Sunday, October 28
i've been really blessed today...my soul-sis and closest friend, ttt, came to visit (and she is staying the night right now) and when i had nowhere else to turn for help, she and her precious froggy, helped me.
my children are healthy and doing well in school, my lil petey is my constant companion and friend, the kitties are doing well and even the weather was pretty today...
so many blessings...
i watched the movie "1408" tonight and in it John Cusacks character gets to see his deceased little girl again...gets to hold her and cry and just be with her again and something inside me started to hurt...
i started to bleed.
i'd give the world to be able to see my brother, ernzy, again...to hear his voice and give him a fierce hug.
it's a wound that is with me always.
somedays i barely feel any pain and others...like now, it's like i'm hearing it for the first time all over again.
there is so much in this world that i truly do not understand...it seems that the older i become the less i know...and until Jesus comes for us, i will never understand how i lost both my father and brother to suicide.
i do not understand how one day ernzy can be with me visiting and just 2 days later shoot himself.
i cannot even conceive of it.
and at times like this, i cannot bear the pain.
my mom and sisters knew what happened before i did.
my mom called ttt to hurry and come over because my lil sister nattie, was on her way to tell me the news.
though it happened last february, i cannot think of my lil sister without remembering that terrible, terrible day.
I want to see my ernzy again...dear Abba, my Father, my Daddy.
i want to see him now...this moment.
after ernzy died, i wasn't 'making it', i was barely surviving and then one night i had a dream, where i was in Heaven and i saw ernzy...
he was, for the only time in his life, whole, and completely at peace.
though i cannot remember my dreams, i can describe in great detail the contents of that dream.
it wasn't just a dream.
it was Abba helping me to see how ernzy is whole now.
the peace on his face cannot be truly described, such contentment, no more fear, pain or struggle.
and that dream changed me.
it saved me.
the picture of ernzy in my mind was replaced by how i saw him in the dream.
he was wearing a beautiful gray sweater, just like one he had, and he was leaning up against a beautiful white and luminous wall and smiling.
i've never seen a smile like that.
it was pure peace and pure joy.
can you imagine?
Heavenly peace and joy...
my brother had lived a tortuous, frail, and indescribably painful life.
his wife had abandoned him shortly before his death.
he tried everything he could to get her to just come home again, but her addiction to pain pills kept her
in a strange and unreachable place.
she refused to even speak with him over the telephone.
and almost immediately following his last attempt to reach her, her liver shut down and she was rushed to the hospital.
to save her from further damage, the physicians placed her into a deliberate coma.
she died just a day or two later...
ernzy never got to resolve things with her...he never even got to say goodbye.
and ernzy didn't want to live anymore...he didn't want to live without her.
he couldn't face the prospect of living without his wife.
so he used a gun, (like my dad did), and took his life...
i praise God for giving me that dream/vision of how ernzy is now.
the pain is behind him, no more struggle, no more heartache...he's finally free.
and at long last, no more torture...
when the pain rolls over me in waves, i cling to that image, that knowledge that ernzy is still alive...
alive and truly at peace.
i miss you, ernzy.
and i love you so very, very much.
pleasant dreams to us all...
