goodbye 2007...

goodbye 2007~

to your failures and victories.

your sorrows and your joys.

your rejections and your embraces.

your disappointments and your hopes...

goodbye 2007~

may 2008 give what you could not.

may love blossom where there has been none.

may our lives be fuller.

may we strive harder than before to give all we have for our Abba Father, Jesus & the Holy Spirit.

may we love transparently

regardless of the closed doors and silent mouths.

may we be the best versions of ourselves for each other ~

and for God.

goodbye 2007~

once gone, it's gone forever...

and i am glad in the going.

Happy Thanksgiving!

i praise Abba for another Thanksgiving on this earth and with those i truly love the most...

God bless to each and everyone of you!

the other side...

"I have never seen a more bitter and hopeless couple.
They sat in front of me, each accusing the other of the most serious offenses.
Not only that, they were both telling me their own sides of the stories of how the police had been
called out several times to break up fights.
Both of them had been arrested and charged with spousal abuse.
Theirs is a very sad story but let me tell you how it began.
They met while each of them was married to someone else.
They didn’t work in the same company, but they did business together.
Their working relationship put them in close proximity to one another on a regular basis.
They both had issues in their marriages that they weren’t dealing with properly.
Each of them admitted this later in counseling as they lamented how they wished they had
worked harder on their first marriages.
Because they weren’t dealing with their marriage problems properly and were coming to work
with unmet needs and offenses toward their spouses, they were set up for an affair and it happened.
At first, like all affairs, they lied about it and kept it covered up.
For months they planned secret liaisons where they met and had sex.
Finally, “in love” and convinced they had met their “soul mates”, they dropped the bombshell
and both announced to their spouses, children, families and friends that they had been having an
affair and were divorcing to marry each other.
As you can imagine, it was devastating to everyone and many people tried to talk them out of it.
It didn’t work.
They both chanted the same mantra for months after the announcement.
“We are in love and have never been so happy”, they would reply when questioned by friends or family.
Of course, the worst part of the story was the children.
In spite of how they tried to explain everything to them, the kids never accepted it.
Despite all the attempts to stop them, their affair turned into a marriage.
With their hopes high and a trail of broken hearts in their wake they began their new lives together.
Of course, over time, the sex became mundane and the problems they had tried to run from in their first marriages resurfaced.
Also, just like in their first marriages, they blamed each other and refused to change.
But unlike their first marriages, their anger at each other became explosive.
They both now blamed the other for destroying their first marriages and their lives.
Their fights were so violent at times that they were arrested and had to be treated at the hospital. Interestingly, the person who put them in the hospital was their “soul mate” they were willing to
leave their previous marriage for.
Hmmmm.
The point of this story is this: Don’t run from problems in life or marriage because they will follow
you and get worse.
You can’t run from God or yourself; and refusing to confront difficult issues and take personal responsibility creates a pattern of weakness in our lives that we also model to our children.
The best marriages are those with the best work ethic.
When you’re having problems, roll up you sleeves and work it out.
Don’t go to work or online and look for a replacement for your spouse.
It never works.
The story I have just told you illustrates the harsh reality of what can happen when we run from our problems.
The grass always looks greener on the other side until you get there.
Unfortunately, that is also when you look back at where you came from and realize the grass was much greener than you thought it was.

Blessings,

Jimmy Evans"

(from "Marriage Today" by Jimmy & Karen Evans)

ernzy...

i've been really blessed today...my soul-sis and closest friend, ttt, came to visit (and she is staying the night right now) and when i had nowhere else to turn for help, she and her precious froggy, helped me.

my children are healthy and doing well in school, my lil petey is my constant companion and friend, the kitties are doing well and even the weather was pretty today...

so many blessings...

i watched the movie "1408" tonight and in it John Cusacks character gets to see his deceased little girl again...gets to hold her and cry and just be with her again and something inside me started to hurt...

i started to bleed.

i'd give the world to be able to see my brother, ernzy, again...to hear his voice and give him a fierce hug.

it's a wound that is with me always.

somedays i barely feel any pain and others...like now, it's like i'm hearing it for the first time all over again.

there is so much in this world that i truly do not understand...it seems that the older i become the less i know...and until Jesus comes for us, i will never understand how i lost both my father and brother to suicide.

i do not understand how one day ernzy can be with me visiting and just 2 days later shoot himself.

i cannot even conceive of it.

and at times like this, i cannot bear the pain.

my mom and sisters knew what happened before i did.

my mom called ttt to hurry and come over because my lil sister nattie, was on her way to tell me the news.

though it happened last february, i cannot think of my lil sister without remembering that terrible, terrible day.

I want to see my ernzy again...dear Abba, my Father, my Daddy.

i want to see him now...this moment.

after ernzy died, i wasn't 'making it', i was barely surviving and then one night i had a dream, where i was in Heaven and i saw ernzy...

he was, for the only time in his life, whole, and completely at peace.

though i cannot remember my dreams, i can describe in great detail the contents of that dream.

it wasn't just a dream.

it was Abba helping me to see how ernzy is whole now.

the peace on his face cannot be truly described, such contentment, no more fear, pain or struggle.

and that dream changed me.

it saved me.

the picture of ernzy in my mind was replaced by how i saw him in the dream.

he was wearing a beautiful gray sweater, just like one he had, and he was leaning up against a beautiful white and luminous wall and smiling.

i've never seen a smile like that.

it was pure peace and pure joy.

can you imagine?

Heavenly peace and joy...

my brother had lived a tortuous, frail, and indescribably painful life.

his wife had abandoned him shortly before his death.

he tried everything he could to get her to just come home again, but her addiction to pain pills kept her

in a strange and unreachable place.

she refused to even speak with him over the telephone.

and almost immediately following his last attempt to reach her, her liver shut down and she was rushed to the hospital.

to save her from further damage, the physicians placed her into a deliberate coma.

she died just a day or two later...

ernzy never got to resolve things with her...he never even got to say goodbye.

and ernzy didn't want to live anymore...he didn't want to live without her.

he couldn't face the prospect of living without his wife.

so he used a gun, (like my dad did), and took his life...

i praise God for giving me that dream/vision of how ernzy is now.

the pain is behind him, no more struggle, no more heartache...he's finally free.

and at long last, no more torture...

when the pain rolls over me in waves, i cling to that image, that knowledge that ernzy is still alive...

alive and truly at peace.

i miss you, ernzy.

and i love you so very, very much.

pleasant dreams to us all...

when it rains...

(written in 2007 )

Have you ever held onto a dream that doesn't make sense?

Like a candle that doesn't ever seem to go out?

I have.

I've hoped and believed in a dream that has yet to come true.

Makes me feel a bit like Noah.

Oh, how they mocked and ridiculed him for building a boat and warning them of the last earthly flood.

But I think that's how faith is...a risk...the greatest risk there is.

To believe that God doesn't lie.

To hold onto the impossible, believing He can change anything and anyone.

In the blink of an eye...

Do you believe?

Are you willing to proclaim His great and everlasting Love to a world

filled with unbelief and doubt?

As for me and mine, I'm gonna hold onto this dream...this promise.

And like Noah, when it begins to rain, I won't be a fool anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God's Own Fool"

~Verse 1~

Seems I've imagined Him all of my life

As the wisest of all of mankind

But if God's Holy wisdom is foolish to men

He must have seemed out of His mind

For even His family said He was mad

And the priest said a demon's to blame

But God in the form of this angry young man

Could not have seemed perfectly sane

~Chorus~

When we in our foolishness thought we were wise

He played the fool and He opened our eyes

When we in our weakness believed we were strong

He became helpless to show we were wrong

And so we follow God's own fool

For only the foolish can tell

Believe the unbelievable

Come be a fool as well

~Verse 2~

So come lose your life for a carpenter's son

For a madman who had died for a dream

And you'll feel the faith His first followers had

And you'll feel the weight of the beam

So surrender the hunger to say you must know

Have the courage to say I believe

For the power of paradox opens your eyes

And blinds those who say they can see

~Chorus~

So we follow God's own Fool

For only the foolish can tell

Believe the unbelievable, and come be a fool as well

*by Michael Card*

new beginnings...

just recently i've been blessed by Abba and our house is going through new renovations!
everything is new and today we've added a new member to our family...

petey!

he is a mini-mini daschund, very small, quiet, loving, a lap doggy and we are all thrilled!

i just wanted to praise You, Abba for all the mercies and blessings You've bestowed upon this little family...

we are all so very grateful, Father...Thank You!

"loving a ghost..."

i've been in love with a ghost...
for almost 4 years.
i've been in love with a memory.
the memory of my ex-husband.
the memory of many years ago.
the memory of a man who no longer exists.
he's gone.
dead and buried.

a man who rarely drank or swore,
did not smoke pot any longer,
did not buy or watch pornography,
who read the Word of God,
attended church,
prayed,
fasted,
spoke tenderly,
was not easily offended or angered,
was incredibly kind and long-suffering,
did not seek revenge,
did not harbor unforgiveness and hatred in his heart,
knew what i was feeling before i said it...
a truly unique man.

but that incredible man is gone.
he's been gone for almost 4 years
and i have to face it.
i have to let go.
i have to stop mourning him.

each day i have woken up
hoping today would be the day.
where he'd call
or write an email
or snail-mail
or instant message me
and tell me he's sorry.
from the bottom of his soul ~ sorry.

sorry for completely abandoning me,
his wife,
and his 3 step-children.
for never trying to reconcile with me.
not once.
for never looking back.
for throwing away all of the years
we spent together.
for tearing asunder what Abba Father
had joined as one.
for never apologizing, never "eating and owning"
each cruel and deliberate act or word.
for doubting the advanced liver disease i have, calling me a liar.
for believing that not even Jesus Christ of Nazareth, could change me.
for looking at me with icicles for eyes, when i confessed all i had ever done,
and asked him to please, please forgive me,
to please give me just one more chance.
for not forgiving me the way Jesus has forgiven him.
for giving up.
for walking away when i begged him to stay.
for divorcing me, a repentant and changed woman, who utterly adored him.
for marrying another...

april 12th has come and gone.
we would have been married for 9 years.
i would have spoiled him.
i would have prayed for him while i watched him sleep.
i would have done all i could to make his dreams come true.
i would have honored him.
loved him.
adored him.
listened more
and talked less.
protected his self-esteem.
stood unitedly with him in the
decision-making for this family.
i would have praised his accomplishments
and forgiven his failures.
i would have prayed for him
each and every day of our lives,
the way i've done for the last 3+ years.

but i can't.
that man is dead and gone.
and it's just that simple.
so, i have to stop mourning him daily.
and only remember him when april 12th comes around again...

miracles do happen...

yesterday one of my dreams came true...

a promise from Abba...

i've waited for it to come to pass for almost 5 years.

it happened...

it really did, and i'm so grateful to Abba for helping me and the kids to hold on.

i've felt like a salmon swimming upstream again and again and had become weary from the hoping.

but God promised and when He felt the time was just right, He turned our hopes into reality...

and now that tumultuous journey has ended...finally!

so, Abba, this is my public praise and thanks to You, my Father, Jesus, my Brother, and Holy Spirit, my Counselor...

thank You All so very very very very much!

and thank You for not giving up on me and the kids...giving me hope all along the way, trying to keep my head above water and loving me even through those times of doubt and disbelief...forgiving me when i was sure You had abandoned me.

i'm so sorry for those times of doubt, my Abba, my Dad...You never deserved those moments and i'm just so sorry for that disbelief.

me and the children will never forget yesterday...we will be grateful forever.

love,

Your lainey

"Break away"

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

[Bridge]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

~by kelly clarkson~

anyway...

i just finished watching "The Upside of Anger", and
i've been thinking about my last doctor's visit:
"This will kill you, we just don't know when..."
it makes now...today...so very vivid and important. . .

today i swam in cheney's pool for the first time...
loving the cool water, friendly faces and the diving boards.
they have a high diving board and a low one...'we gotta go, mom' said my girls and because i hate
being afraid of anything, i said 'yes!'
so together we waited in line and when it was my turn, i felt the old fears from when i was younger.
but i climbed the ladder and walked out onto the skinny board, with my heart hammering loudly until i was at the end and i did it.
i jumped.
my girls clapped and went after me and i did 3 more times on the high and once on the low.

the noises, the voices, the rules to follow, the excitement and fears, taking turns being brave than afraid,
the unknown where you're just falling and falling and the relief of coming to the surface again, just breathing and smiling...
that's what life is, i think.

i've tried to be brave in telling others how much i love them,
being careful not to waste the moment...
sometimes they love you back and sometimes they don't,
but it matters, to say it anyways.

i think the words of the new martina mcbride song say it best...

ANYWAY

"You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea - sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love
Anyway"

independence....Apart from Him

when Jesus says:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:4-6
it is a literal interpretation as well as metaphorical.
we can do nothing without relying completely on Him.

no matter how self-reliant this world teaches us to be,
independence does not equal strength.
self-reliance is actually the opposite of God's teaching in the Word.
if we could do it all just by depending on ourselves,
then why did Jesus need to die for us?
if it was all up to us, who would need Him?

we all need to come to the place where we look
Heavenward and ask God to take the reins,
admitting that we don't know what we're doing,
and asking for help...

on our own and apart from Jesus, we can do no lasting good.
i am a perfect example of this...
each time i have 'leaned upon my own understanding',
i have screwed up my life and my relationships.
maybe not right away, but given enough time
my so-called self-reliance will cause damages galore.

it's true for us all.
let me put it another way...
we suck on our own!

i cannot succeed without leaning on Jesus...
oh sure, i might be okay at first, but ultimately i'd become the titanic,
sinking me and everyone else with me.

each time i tell God to scoot over and i take the wheel, i end up failing
and hurting myself and the people i love the most.
then God waits for me to surrender control and He quietly takes over again.

so how about a little less relying on yourself and a little more relying on Him?
'cuz you might survive on your own without Him,
but you would never truly live...

* Proverbs 3:4-6
* I Timothy 1:15

my eyes are dry...Keith Green

My eyes are dry

My faith is old

My heart is hard

My prayers are cold

And I know how I ought to be

Alive to You and dead to me

But what can be done

For an old heart like mine

Soften it up

With oil and wine

The oil is You, Your Spirit of love

Please wash me anew

With the wine of Your Blood

"I carry your heart with me" ~ E.E. Cummings

"I carry your heart with me

(I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it

(anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart

(I carry it in my heart) "

Hurry up and...

~ Wait! ~

"Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD."
(Psalm 27:14 NLT)

Waiting is so hard ~

Sometimes it seems like God is late, way late, in responding to our earnest requests.
We can be in such a hurry and can get frustrated if things don't happen quickly.
Recently I spoke with a minister who was in the middle of a building renovation project.
The project was going to cost more than they had anticipated.
They were short some of the funds needed to complete the work.
He went to the bank to fill out the necessary loan papers.
When he finished filling out the papers, he asked them to hold off for awhile on processing the loan.
He told them that the church was going to pray.
He even gave them a date of when he would be back.

Waiting is hard ~

That date came and they still didn't have the money that they needed, but asked the bank to wait
a little longer.
Then it happened.
Someone wrote a generous check that covered the whole shortfall.
The minister did what is so hard for many of us, he waited.
I recently heard a story about a young man who needed a car.
He couldn't afford one, at least not the payments of a car loan.
He prayed and waited ... for a short time.
But then, he grew anxious and went to a dealership.
He found a car he liked and they arranged a loan for him.
The problem was that he really couldn't afford the payments.
That Sunday after church, he asked some people to come out and see his new car.
Two men stood off at a distance.
One said to the other, "I guess he won't need my car now. I had an extra car
that I was going to give him."
If he had waited a little longer he would have had his prayers answered with a free car.

But waiting can seem so hard to do ~

When we think of Abraham being told that he was going to have a son, he believed God.
But there was a time later, when he grew anxious because it wasn't happening.
Rather than waiting for God's plan to be fulfilled through his wife Sarah,
Abraham resorted to having a child with his wife's handmaid, Hagar.
While acceptable in his culture at the time, it wasn't with God. It was a big mistake and
caused a lot of problems for the family then and for the world today! (Genesis 16 tells this story.)
Waiting is hard. Sometimes we get anxious. Let's pray and trust and look for God's timing.
Let's learn to wait so that we can receive God's best, God's way.
---------
(c) 2007 Mike Barres

keep waiting...I'll be right on time.

Filled with Compassion
by Tom Norvell

~ He left home as a rebellious teenager who knew better than anyone how to live his life.
The months prior to his departure were filled with numerous heated discussions about
who was in charge.
After one particularly ugly encounter he left. He took a few of his belongings.
The next time they heard from him, he had joined the military.
He came home only for a few days before being shipped overseas.
The visit was tense and filled mostly with awkward times when no one knew what to say.
Before they figured it out, he was gone.
His parents waited anxiously to hear from him. They received a few short letters, an email
now and then, and every few months they would get a phone call mainly telling them he was okay.
Then, one day he called. This time he sounded different. Something had changed.
"Dad, Mom, I'm sorry. I'm ready to come home."
As the ship was making its way into port, the sailors were lining the deck and families covered the dock.
Cheers. Waves. A band played. One by one they came off the ship searching the crowd for a familiar face.
When he stepped off, his parents spotted him long before he saw them.
They worked their way through the crowd, never taking their eyes off of him. Finally they reached him.
They embraced him.
He tried to talk and explain that he realized how he had treated them, but they were not listening.
They were too busy enjoying the moment they had longed for. He was home. He was really home.

~ She took off one day without warning. They had no idea where she was.
For months, her parents wondered and prayed and feared the worse. She did call a few times to
let them know where she was, but would not say much about what she was doing and would have
nothing to do with talk of coming home. So they waited. They prayed. Then, late one night, the
phone rang. A tearful voice on the other end said, "Dad, can I come home?"
Arrangements were made to get her a plane ticket that night. By early morning, she was in the air
and they were on the way to the airport.
When she stepped into the area of the terminal where passengers were greeted, she saw her folks
and began to cry. They ran to her and she fell into their arms sobbing. She tried to explain and
she tried to apologize, but they said, "We have plenty of time for that. Right now, just let us hold
you and get you home where you belong."

~ Her husband found someone else he loved more. She was someone who made him happy.
Someone who made him feel good about himself. So he left.
The divorce was ugly. The struggle was intense. He was gone.
She had to pick up the pieces, deal with her anger, and rebuild her life.
Her friends said, "Move on. Forget about him. He doesn't know what he's losing."
Part of her wanted to do that, but a bigger part wanted to wait, and something deep inside said,
"Give him time."
She did. She waited. She prayed. She moved forward. She was doing well ... considering the circumstances.
Getting back on her feet. Then, he called. "Honey. I'm so sorry. Can we talk?"
She dropped the phone and melted on the floor. When she collected herself, she picked up the phone and said, "I've dreamed of this moment. I love you. Please come home."

~ His wife said she had lived his dream long enough. Now it is time for her to do what she's always wanted to do.
So, she left. She lived it up. She did everything thing she had always wanted to do and had never
had the opportunity to do.
She was free. She was carefree. She was on her own.
He waited. He took care of the kids. He maintained the house. He prayed.
He asked God to protect her until she came around. When all things logical told him to give up on her, he held on believing that one day she'd come home. Then, one night as he made the rounds turning out the lights,
checking the locks, he paused another time to look out the front window at the driveway.
That's when he saw her. Sitting in her car. He burst out the front door and ran to her car. He opened her door and pulled her into his arms.
She wept as he hugged her and kissed her and said, "I'm so glad to see you. I love you. I'm so glad you are home."

Have you walked away?
Maybe these stories sound too good to be true to you.
"These things only happen in fairy tales," you say.
Well, before you write it off completely, consider this: "

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
(Luke 15:20 NIV)

Are you waiting for someone to come home? Keep waiting. Keep praying. Keep your heart open.
Are you wondering what it would be like to go home, but you're afraid you won't be welcome?
Go home.
Have you walked away from the Lord and now wish you could go back? Go back. Come home.
The Father's waiting for you ... with open arms.

(c) 2007 Tom Norvell

drummergirl...

one of my children is going to be marching and playing drums in the jr. lilac parade this morning and i am so proud of her!

drum your lil heart out, beezawee...

i love you.

you cannot over-burden our Lord...

"A very present help." -- Psalms 46:1
{by Charles Spurgeon, in his Morning & Evening}

"Covenant blessings are not meant to be looked at only, but to be appropriated.
Even our Lord Jesus is given to us for our present use.
Believer, thou dost not make use of Christ as thou oughtest to do.
When thou art in trouble, why dost thou not tell him all thy grief?
Has he not a sympathizing heart, and can he not comfort and relieve thee?
No, thou art going about to all thy friends, save thy best Friend, and telling thy
tale everywhere except into the bosom of thy Lord. Art thou burdened with this day's sins?
Here is a fountain filled with blood: use it, saint, use it.
Has a sense of guilt returned upon thee?
The pardoning grace of Jesus may be proved again and again.
Come to him at once for cleansing.
Dost thou deplore thy weakness?
He is thy strength: why not lean upon him? Dost thou feel naked?
Come hither, soul; put on the robe of Jesus' righteousness.
Stand not looking at it, but wear it.
Strip off thine own righteousness, and thine own fears too: put on the fair
white linen, for it was meant to wear.
Dost thou feel thyself sick?
Pull the night-bell of prayer, and call up the Beloved Physician!
He will give the cordial that will revive thee.
Thou art poor, but then thou hast "a kinsman, a mighty man of wealth."
What! wilt thou not go to him, and ask him to give thee of his abundance,
when he has given thee this promise, that thou shalt be joint heir with him,
and has made over all that he is and all that he has to be thine?
There is nothing Christ dislikes more than for his people to make a
show-thing of him, and not to use him.
He loves to be employed by us.
The more burdens we put on his shoulders, the more precious will he be to us."

something both men and women struggle with...

Men and the Struggle for Purity, by Mike Cope

I should have been suspicious!
When the men in my weekly prayer group asked me to bring my Day-Timer, I should have smelled something rotten.
They know how I struggle to keep my travel under control.
On one hand,I know when enough is enough, when my family and church need more attention.
But on the other hand, I'm a sucker for any speaking opportunity that sounds "good." (Of course, that's the noble reason for traveling. These men are aware that there's usually more at stake than spiritual altruism.)These three men -- Former friends!! -- asked me to place my Day-Timer,my watch, and my wedding ring in the middle of us.
Then they prayed --prayed about purity, about rest, and about priorities.
And they challenged me to accept no more out of town speaking engagements beyond what I already have scheduled for a certain time.
This small group of guys has been meeting together for years.
We stay together because we share a common goal, to be pure men of God, and a common problem, recurring failure in meeting the goal.
At this point,we almost couldn't get out of the group if we wanted to:
we know way too much about each other!
We believe just what Paul told the Thessalonians: that God doesn't want us to be impure but to live holy lives. And we know ourselves well enough to know we might not be up to that challenge without being accountable to one another.
So we come to confess.
That we're weak.
That our marriages have ups and downs.
That we're tempted.
That we struggle to get our sense of worth from God rather than from the approval of people.
When men struggle alone, they usually fail.
Who can stand up against the magnetic pull of internet pornography, office flirtations, raging anger, pay-per-view seduction, or lucrative deals that cost integrity?

"It is God's will," Paul told the church in Thessalonica, "that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 NIV).

Even though a Christian man believes in personal holiness and longs for it, the sweet illusions of sin can too easily trap him:

* "This isn't really an addiction."
*"She and I are just friends -- it's all so innocent."
* "You have to play this way to survive in the business world."
* "I'll pour myself fully into my career just one more year and then
I'll reengage with my wife and kids."

It is in the powerful context of fellowship and of confession that these illusions can be resisted.
There we can admit what's lurking in our hearts beneath the surface.
We're afraid to admit that we have such thoughts!
The problem for many of us is that we're afraid to admit that we have such thoughts.
We live in the even greater illusion that other men are doing well and they'd just reject us if they really knew us.
I'm sure Satan wants us to believe that.
But the truth is that other guys are fighting their own temptations.
I can still remember when my older son and I attended a Promise Keepers rally and heard the results of a PK survey.
Among men who attend PK events, 60% are in a real, life-and-death struggle with sexual sins(adultery, homosexuality, lust, pornography, etc.).
That's not 60% of the general population, but 60% of men who are already fairly motivated to follow Christ. Brothers, it's the testimony of Scripture and of my own life that our battle against sin is best waged in the context of community.
We need other men in our lives who can hear our sins and struggles, pray with us, and keep us accountable.
A number of years ago, Timothy (Not his real name but he is a real person!) asked a minister who's a friend of his for a few moments.
For years, he'd wanted to blurt out his own confession, but he had always backed out.
On this day, Timothy fidgeted in his seat, made small talk,and felt cotton mouth attack before he pressed on to tell about his long struggle with sexual sins -- a struggle that had taken him to pornographic magazines, late night premium channels, 900-numbers, and many near-affairs.
All the while, he had been a ministry leader in one of the most aggressive youth ministries around. He had loathed -- and then loved -- and then loathed again his sin.
The only way he'd been able to cope with the guilt was to restart the cycle with another flush of excitement.
But, that day he bared his soul.
And God's Spirit, through the help of a friend, began the process of healing and reformation.
Today, he still struggles -- sometimes unsuccessfully -- but he no longer sees himself owned and defined by that struggle.
With the admonitions and encouragement of a few caring men, he has yielded himself more and
more to the purifying work of God's Spirit.
Is it time for you to follow Timothy's example?

"I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—which is your spiritual worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
(Romans 12:1-2)

(c) 2007 Mike Cope.

wounds from a mother...

my heart is broken tonight...

jagged edges among the glass

and it cannot be made right.

shamed and rejected by one of my most beloved...

fingers pointing and pointedly accused

and nothing can be done.

if i speak up, defend myself...

use words to show my heart

only i would wear the shame.

so i sit here tonight with tears coursing silently down my cheeks,

as i wait upon the Lord

and in the mirror i see clothes torn,

ashes upon my face,

despair in my eyes...

and nothing more to be done.

Growing up...

my birthday is this month and it's a milestone occasion...i'm turning 40!
i feel equally grateful to Abba for having lived this long, and sad that i am indeed growing older...
but it is an unalterable cosmic law, isn't it?

for most of my life, i have wanted to be at peace with myself...
i have never really liked myself, couldn't seem to find a reason to.
but now, i feel really loved by our Father...really and truly accepted for who i am.
He really loves me, never gives up on me, and makes me feel brand new.
He makes me feel beautiful and i'm so glad that He loves and forgives me on a daily basis.
we can start over, you know...brand new...clean slate...new beginnings...70x7.
so, i am getting older, that's true, but i'm actually starting to really live too!

i'm taking my 2 closest friends and my children to seattle for a long weekend in early august (Lord willing),

writing a novel that is reminiscent of robert jordan and ken follett,

taking my meds responsibly and keeping all my doc appointments,

for the continuing war between me and the liver disease,

paying my bills,

loving my 'wee-ones' and my kitty cats,

getting a mini-mini daschund in august (again Lord willing),

healing from losing my ernzy,

singing,

still learning italian online,

praising Abba for each day i have with my children and my soul-sissie, ttt (+ froggy and my God-babies),

loving my precious sissie's - b and c,

and falling in love with Jesus all over again!

how about you?

how has growing older changed the way you see and live life?
let me know you think...

and remember ~

it's a brand new day.

tonight...

it's been hard tonight...looking at Ernzy's picture...grieving, feeling like i'm dying a little bit inside...
i'll be fine, Abba's holding my hand and heart in His...i'll be allright.

but tonight, for whatever reason, i can't get the memory of my lil sister coming here to tell me that ernzy died...me being woken up by one of the children, stumbling down the hall, seeing nattie, her saying i have some bad news...it's not about ernzy, right? i ask her...yes, she nods.
i can't shake it...and i can't find any words that are strong enough to share this pain...
and i'd give anything to rewrite that day and the one before.

it can't be, you know?
that my brother is gone?
my ernzy?
i just want to scream out loud that he wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't leave me like that...he wouldn't leave us all like that.
but he did and at moments like these, the pain engraves itself on my heart...

tomorrow will be better.

for Ernzy...

it's been a year today, Ernzy...but it only feels like yesterday when nattie told me you were gone.
it was a saturday morning and i got the knock on my door and it was nattie telling me the worst news i've had in so many, many years.

even today, i cannot believe you are gone...i love you so much, Ernzy...so very, very much...i'd give the world to have you back.

i love you, precious Ernzy...and our earthly lives will never be the same without you.
at the very least, i have an incredible moment to look forward to...when i see you again at Heaven's gate!
wait for me there, Ernzy...we will celebrate beyond belief and never have to say goodbye again.

in honor of you...2/24/2006

Remember that always...

"I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go:

I will guide thee with mine eye.

Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which

have no understanding: whose mouth

must be held in with bit and bridle."

of anger...

"Drinking from the Poisoned Well"
~by Tourniquet~

"Fist through a wall - foot through a door
Just another day for me to abhor
There's a wall in my plan for you today
There's a door with your name where it lay
Years of hateful thoughts will get you back; I'll be at peace soon
You think you're punishing me by your anger
But it's you serving the jail sentence
Heart turned to stone suffering all alone
Calibrating how hatred can sink the power of forgiveness
Anger needs a place to be buried
Anger needs a process for it's gravestone
The time has come to speak of many things
Not shoes and ships and sealing wax not cabbages and Kings
But the way your raging words and actions
Gouge a monumental chasm between us
If I could only help you to see what I see
As you push away the ones who love you
Your world is closing in on you
The once many friends become the reluctant few
And when the few that remain choose rather to abstain
You'll be left alone with all the pain
And you'll ponder at length how a day turned a year
And the years rolled along till nobody was near
Broken before the One who understands
That it's hard to let go of familiar land
But you've got to leave the safe ground behind
A better place is waiting where there's peace of mind
Now that you've come to realize
That chronic anger has a steep price
Taking more than you can afford to give
Stealing the joy that you need to live"

~by Kirkpatrick~
Proverbs 29:11

this year...

when i had a free moment to myself, yesterday, i began to open up
and tell Abba what changes i'd like to see in my life.
it was time to look in the mirror...that is, the Mirror that comes from
our Counselor and precious Holy Spirit.

i want to be a better mother, daughter, sister and friend.
to encourage people more than last year.
to love more fully and completely than last year.
to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on my circumstances.
to trust You, Abba, more.
to remember that You are in the details.
Your beauty, glory, mercy and grace are always available to me.
help me to remember i'm not alone.
not now ~ not ever.
to "esteem others better than myself."
to speak less and listen more.
to avoid evil and any appearance of it.
to cling to Hope..."hoping against all hope"
to hold fast to Your promises,
to believe like noah, though surrounded by ridicule and disbelief.
help me to surrender like jonah...knowing You are stronger, faster, smarter, omniescient, omnipotent,
and cannot be mocked or outrun!
help me remember that no human being is a challenge to You, Father...not one of us.
remind me that nothing is impossible with You and i can depend on every Word You speak.
help me to be merciful more and more.
very quick to forgive,
and just as quick to be accountable for all i have done.
keep me honest, Abba.
and most of all ~

help me to reflect Your Son and His great Love to the world around me. . .

i love You, Abba Daddy,

Your laineyrose.