keep waiting...I'll be right on time.

Filled with Compassion
by Tom Norvell

~ He left home as a rebellious teenager who knew better than anyone how to live his life.
The months prior to his departure were filled with numerous heated discussions about
who was in charge.
After one particularly ugly encounter he left. He took a few of his belongings.
The next time they heard from him, he had joined the military.
He came home only for a few days before being shipped overseas.
The visit was tense and filled mostly with awkward times when no one knew what to say.
Before they figured it out, he was gone.
His parents waited anxiously to hear from him. They received a few short letters, an email
now and then, and every few months they would get a phone call mainly telling them he was okay.
Then, one day he called. This time he sounded different. Something had changed.
"Dad, Mom, I'm sorry. I'm ready to come home."
As the ship was making its way into port, the sailors were lining the deck and families covered the dock.
Cheers. Waves. A band played. One by one they came off the ship searching the crowd for a familiar face.
When he stepped off, his parents spotted him long before he saw them.
They worked their way through the crowd, never taking their eyes off of him. Finally they reached him.
They embraced him.
He tried to talk and explain that he realized how he had treated them, but they were not listening.
They were too busy enjoying the moment they had longed for. He was home. He was really home.

~ She took off one day without warning. They had no idea where she was.
For months, her parents wondered and prayed and feared the worse. She did call a few times to
let them know where she was, but would not say much about what she was doing and would have
nothing to do with talk of coming home. So they waited. They prayed. Then, late one night, the
phone rang. A tearful voice on the other end said, "Dad, can I come home?"
Arrangements were made to get her a plane ticket that night. By early morning, she was in the air
and they were on the way to the airport.
When she stepped into the area of the terminal where passengers were greeted, she saw her folks
and began to cry. They ran to her and she fell into their arms sobbing. She tried to explain and
she tried to apologize, but they said, "We have plenty of time for that. Right now, just let us hold
you and get you home where you belong."

~ Her husband found someone else he loved more. She was someone who made him happy.
Someone who made him feel good about himself. So he left.
The divorce was ugly. The struggle was intense. He was gone.
She had to pick up the pieces, deal with her anger, and rebuild her life.
Her friends said, "Move on. Forget about him. He doesn't know what he's losing."
Part of her wanted to do that, but a bigger part wanted to wait, and something deep inside said,
"Give him time."
She did. She waited. She prayed. She moved forward. She was doing well ... considering the circumstances.
Getting back on her feet. Then, he called. "Honey. I'm so sorry. Can we talk?"
She dropped the phone and melted on the floor. When she collected herself, she picked up the phone and said, "I've dreamed of this moment. I love you. Please come home."

~ His wife said she had lived his dream long enough. Now it is time for her to do what she's always wanted to do.
So, she left. She lived it up. She did everything thing she had always wanted to do and had never
had the opportunity to do.
She was free. She was carefree. She was on her own.
He waited. He took care of the kids. He maintained the house. He prayed.
He asked God to protect her until she came around. When all things logical told him to give up on her, he held on believing that one day she'd come home. Then, one night as he made the rounds turning out the lights,
checking the locks, he paused another time to look out the front window at the driveway.
That's when he saw her. Sitting in her car. He burst out the front door and ran to her car. He opened her door and pulled her into his arms.
She wept as he hugged her and kissed her and said, "I'm so glad to see you. I love you. I'm so glad you are home."

Have you walked away?
Maybe these stories sound too good to be true to you.
"These things only happen in fairy tales," you say.
Well, before you write it off completely, consider this: "

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
(Luke 15:20 NIV)

Are you waiting for someone to come home? Keep waiting. Keep praying. Keep your heart open.
Are you wondering what it would be like to go home, but you're afraid you won't be welcome?
Go home.
Have you walked away from the Lord and now wish you could go back? Go back. Come home.
The Father's waiting for you ... with open arms.

(c) 2007 Tom Norvell

drummergirl...

one of my children is going to be marching and playing drums in the jr. lilac parade this morning and i am so proud of her!

drum your lil heart out, beezawee...

i love you.

you cannot over-burden our Lord...

"A very present help." -- Psalms 46:1
{by Charles Spurgeon, in his Morning & Evening}

"Covenant blessings are not meant to be looked at only, but to be appropriated.
Even our Lord Jesus is given to us for our present use.
Believer, thou dost not make use of Christ as thou oughtest to do.
When thou art in trouble, why dost thou not tell him all thy grief?
Has he not a sympathizing heart, and can he not comfort and relieve thee?
No, thou art going about to all thy friends, save thy best Friend, and telling thy
tale everywhere except into the bosom of thy Lord. Art thou burdened with this day's sins?
Here is a fountain filled with blood: use it, saint, use it.
Has a sense of guilt returned upon thee?
The pardoning grace of Jesus may be proved again and again.
Come to him at once for cleansing.
Dost thou deplore thy weakness?
He is thy strength: why not lean upon him? Dost thou feel naked?
Come hither, soul; put on the robe of Jesus' righteousness.
Stand not looking at it, but wear it.
Strip off thine own righteousness, and thine own fears too: put on the fair
white linen, for it was meant to wear.
Dost thou feel thyself sick?
Pull the night-bell of prayer, and call up the Beloved Physician!
He will give the cordial that will revive thee.
Thou art poor, but then thou hast "a kinsman, a mighty man of wealth."
What! wilt thou not go to him, and ask him to give thee of his abundance,
when he has given thee this promise, that thou shalt be joint heir with him,
and has made over all that he is and all that he has to be thine?
There is nothing Christ dislikes more than for his people to make a
show-thing of him, and not to use him.
He loves to be employed by us.
The more burdens we put on his shoulders, the more precious will he be to us."

something both men and women struggle with...

Men and the Struggle for Purity, by Mike Cope

I should have been suspicious!
When the men in my weekly prayer group asked me to bring my Day-Timer, I should have smelled something rotten.
They know how I struggle to keep my travel under control.
On one hand,I know when enough is enough, when my family and church need more attention.
But on the other hand, I'm a sucker for any speaking opportunity that sounds "good." (Of course, that's the noble reason for traveling. These men are aware that there's usually more at stake than spiritual altruism.)These three men -- Former friends!! -- asked me to place my Day-Timer,my watch, and my wedding ring in the middle of us.
Then they prayed --prayed about purity, about rest, and about priorities.
And they challenged me to accept no more out of town speaking engagements beyond what I already have scheduled for a certain time.
This small group of guys has been meeting together for years.
We stay together because we share a common goal, to be pure men of God, and a common problem, recurring failure in meeting the goal.
At this point,we almost couldn't get out of the group if we wanted to:
we know way too much about each other!
We believe just what Paul told the Thessalonians: that God doesn't want us to be impure but to live holy lives. And we know ourselves well enough to know we might not be up to that challenge without being accountable to one another.
So we come to confess.
That we're weak.
That our marriages have ups and downs.
That we're tempted.
That we struggle to get our sense of worth from God rather than from the approval of people.
When men struggle alone, they usually fail.
Who can stand up against the magnetic pull of internet pornography, office flirtations, raging anger, pay-per-view seduction, or lucrative deals that cost integrity?

"It is God's will," Paul told the church in Thessalonica, "that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 NIV).

Even though a Christian man believes in personal holiness and longs for it, the sweet illusions of sin can too easily trap him:

* "This isn't really an addiction."
*"She and I are just friends -- it's all so innocent."
* "You have to play this way to survive in the business world."
* "I'll pour myself fully into my career just one more year and then
I'll reengage with my wife and kids."

It is in the powerful context of fellowship and of confession that these illusions can be resisted.
There we can admit what's lurking in our hearts beneath the surface.
We're afraid to admit that we have such thoughts!
The problem for many of us is that we're afraid to admit that we have such thoughts.
We live in the even greater illusion that other men are doing well and they'd just reject us if they really knew us.
I'm sure Satan wants us to believe that.
But the truth is that other guys are fighting their own temptations.
I can still remember when my older son and I attended a Promise Keepers rally and heard the results of a PK survey.
Among men who attend PK events, 60% are in a real, life-and-death struggle with sexual sins(adultery, homosexuality, lust, pornography, etc.).
That's not 60% of the general population, but 60% of men who are already fairly motivated to follow Christ. Brothers, it's the testimony of Scripture and of my own life that our battle against sin is best waged in the context of community.
We need other men in our lives who can hear our sins and struggles, pray with us, and keep us accountable.
A number of years ago, Timothy (Not his real name but he is a real person!) asked a minister who's a friend of his for a few moments.
For years, he'd wanted to blurt out his own confession, but he had always backed out.
On this day, Timothy fidgeted in his seat, made small talk,and felt cotton mouth attack before he pressed on to tell about his long struggle with sexual sins -- a struggle that had taken him to pornographic magazines, late night premium channels, 900-numbers, and many near-affairs.
All the while, he had been a ministry leader in one of the most aggressive youth ministries around. He had loathed -- and then loved -- and then loathed again his sin.
The only way he'd been able to cope with the guilt was to restart the cycle with another flush of excitement.
But, that day he bared his soul.
And God's Spirit, through the help of a friend, began the process of healing and reformation.
Today, he still struggles -- sometimes unsuccessfully -- but he no longer sees himself owned and defined by that struggle.
With the admonitions and encouragement of a few caring men, he has yielded himself more and
more to the purifying work of God's Spirit.
Is it time for you to follow Timothy's example?

"I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—which is your spiritual worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
(Romans 12:1-2)

(c) 2007 Mike Cope.

wounds from a mother...

my heart is broken tonight...

jagged edges among the glass

and it cannot be made right.

shamed and rejected by one of my most beloved...

fingers pointing and pointedly accused

and nothing can be done.

if i speak up, defend myself...

use words to show my heart

only i would wear the shame.

so i sit here tonight with tears coursing silently down my cheeks,

as i wait upon the Lord

and in the mirror i see clothes torn,

ashes upon my face,

despair in my eyes...

and nothing more to be done.

Growing up...

my birthday is this month and it's a milestone occasion...i'm turning 40!
i feel equally grateful to Abba for having lived this long, and sad that i am indeed growing older...
but it is an unalterable cosmic law, isn't it?

for most of my life, i have wanted to be at peace with myself...
i have never really liked myself, couldn't seem to find a reason to.
but now, i feel really loved by our Father...really and truly accepted for who i am.
He really loves me, never gives up on me, and makes me feel brand new.
He makes me feel beautiful and i'm so glad that He loves and forgives me on a daily basis.
we can start over, you know...brand new...clean slate...new beginnings...70x7.
so, i am getting older, that's true, but i'm actually starting to really live too!

i'm taking my 2 closest friends and my children to seattle for a long weekend in early august (Lord willing),

writing a novel that is reminiscent of robert jordan and ken follett,

taking my meds responsibly and keeping all my doc appointments,

for the continuing war between me and the liver disease,

paying my bills,

loving my 'wee-ones' and my kitty cats,

getting a mini-mini daschund in august (again Lord willing),

healing from losing my ernzy,

singing,

still learning italian online,

praising Abba for each day i have with my children and my soul-sissie, ttt (+ froggy and my God-babies),

loving my precious sissie's - b and c,

and falling in love with Jesus all over again!

how about you?

how has growing older changed the way you see and live life?
let me know you think...

and remember ~

it's a brand new day.

tonight...

it's been hard tonight...looking at Ernzy's picture...grieving, feeling like i'm dying a little bit inside...
i'll be fine, Abba's holding my hand and heart in His...i'll be allright.

but tonight, for whatever reason, i can't get the memory of my lil sister coming here to tell me that ernzy died...me being woken up by one of the children, stumbling down the hall, seeing nattie, her saying i have some bad news...it's not about ernzy, right? i ask her...yes, she nods.
i can't shake it...and i can't find any words that are strong enough to share this pain...
and i'd give anything to rewrite that day and the one before.

it can't be, you know?
that my brother is gone?
my ernzy?
i just want to scream out loud that he wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't leave me like that...he wouldn't leave us all like that.
but he did and at moments like these, the pain engraves itself on my heart...

tomorrow will be better.

for Ernzy...

it's been a year today, Ernzy...but it only feels like yesterday when nattie told me you were gone.
it was a saturday morning and i got the knock on my door and it was nattie telling me the worst news i've had in so many, many years.

even today, i cannot believe you are gone...i love you so much, Ernzy...so very, very much...i'd give the world to have you back.

i love you, precious Ernzy...and our earthly lives will never be the same without you.
at the very least, i have an incredible moment to look forward to...when i see you again at Heaven's gate!
wait for me there, Ernzy...we will celebrate beyond belief and never have to say goodbye again.

in honor of you...2/24/2006

Remember that always...

"I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go:

I will guide thee with mine eye.

Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which

have no understanding: whose mouth

must be held in with bit and bridle."

of anger...

"Drinking from the Poisoned Well"
~by Tourniquet~

"Fist through a wall - foot through a door
Just another day for me to abhor
There's a wall in my plan for you today
There's a door with your name where it lay
Years of hateful thoughts will get you back; I'll be at peace soon
You think you're punishing me by your anger
But it's you serving the jail sentence
Heart turned to stone suffering all alone
Calibrating how hatred can sink the power of forgiveness
Anger needs a place to be buried
Anger needs a process for it's gravestone
The time has come to speak of many things
Not shoes and ships and sealing wax not cabbages and Kings
But the way your raging words and actions
Gouge a monumental chasm between us
If I could only help you to see what I see
As you push away the ones who love you
Your world is closing in on you
The once many friends become the reluctant few
And when the few that remain choose rather to abstain
You'll be left alone with all the pain
And you'll ponder at length how a day turned a year
And the years rolled along till nobody was near
Broken before the One who understands
That it's hard to let go of familiar land
But you've got to leave the safe ground behind
A better place is waiting where there's peace of mind
Now that you've come to realize
That chronic anger has a steep price
Taking more than you can afford to give
Stealing the joy that you need to live"

~by Kirkpatrick~
Proverbs 29:11

this year...

when i had a free moment to myself, yesterday, i began to open up
and tell Abba what changes i'd like to see in my life.
it was time to look in the mirror...that is, the Mirror that comes from
our Counselor and precious Holy Spirit.

i want to be a better mother, daughter, sister and friend.
to encourage people more than last year.
to love more fully and completely than last year.
to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on my circumstances.
to trust You, Abba, more.
to remember that You are in the details.
Your beauty, glory, mercy and grace are always available to me.
help me to remember i'm not alone.
not now ~ not ever.
to "esteem others better than myself."
to speak less and listen more.
to avoid evil and any appearance of it.
to cling to Hope..."hoping against all hope"
to hold fast to Your promises,
to believe like noah, though surrounded by ridicule and disbelief.
help me to surrender like jonah...knowing You are stronger, faster, smarter, omniescient, omnipotent,
and cannot be mocked or outrun!
help me remember that no human being is a challenge to You, Father...not one of us.
remind me that nothing is impossible with You and i can depend on every Word You speak.
help me to be merciful more and more.
very quick to forgive,
and just as quick to be accountable for all i have done.
keep me honest, Abba.
and most of all ~

help me to reflect Your Son and His great Love to the world around me. . .

i love You, Abba Daddy,

Your laineyrose.

he gave all he had...

The Little Drummer Boy

Come they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see
Pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the kIng
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
So to honor Him
Pa rum pum pum pum
When we come
Little baby
Pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too
Pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give our King
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
Shall I play for you
Pa rum pum pum pum
On my drum
Mary nodded
Pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
Then He smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum...me and my drum.

with gratitude...

this Thanksgiving was truly the best Thanksgiving i've ever had...

for the first time, i made Thanksgiving dinner with my children.

there was much to do, so we paced ourselves and stayed very calm

and relaxed throughout it all.

what a blessing this day has been!

this is only the 2nd time i've ever made a turkey

and i cannot believe how moist and beautiful it turned out!

('course i prayed alot, lol)

we had turkey, stuffing, green been casserole, mashed tatoes made with real butter

and heavy cream, cauliflower with cheese sauce, rolls, 3 pies, sparkling cider and

cranberry sauce...

there were no conflicts, quarrels, fussing, unhappiness at all

and while we cooked, we had some wonderful Christmas music playing in the background.

and believe it or not, to make it perfect, it began to snow!

me and the kids kept saying how amazing this year's Thanksgiving was.

it was just us four and it was truly beautiful.

no rushing, no stress, just peaceful memory-making moments...

and for this alone, i am forever grateful.

(we purchased 2 disposable camera's and i can't wait to see the pics!)

the next day, we decorated the tree and house and made sugar cookies

from scratch, and the icing to go with them!

it's been forever since i last baked...and with the girls to boot.

we doubled the recipe, split and chilled the dough and made the icing,

using food coloring to create gorgeous red, green, purple and weird caramel colors.

though it was late by the time we finished the baking,

we turned off all the lights

and sat in wonder in our now glittering home...

i am so very, very grateful, to our precious Abba,

for the joys and blessed moments of this holiday season ~

because without Him,

it wouldn't be worth a thing...

For you, ernzy...

today is my brother's birthday...
i would give anything for just one more minute with him,
but me and my family will have to wait until we are reunited with him in Heaven.

for my Mom...ma, you were a wonderful mother to ernzy, you gave all you had and
i know he smiles down upon you, precious mom. you have nothing to regret and Abba will once again
put your son in your arms, right where he belongs.

for my Dad...dad, you were often the listening ear for ernzy, and loved him as if he was your own.
and because of your love, ernzy was your son too.
thank you for being his father, he desperately needed that.

for my 'Nae...'nae, you have always been there for each of us and most especially for ernzy.
unstilting and unconditional love.
only you witnessed the tragedy and are still here ~ living on, day by day, loving him in memory,
loving him always.

for my Nattie...nattie, you, the baby of the family, have loved ernzy all your life and i know from
his place in Heaven, ernzy remembers and smiles and loves you deeply in return and waits for the
strength of your embrace when you see him yet again.

we love you, ernzy...and today we especially remember and are grateful to Abba for each borrowed
moment.
i love and miss you, my ernzy...happy birthday...i have a candle in the window just for you.

Isaiah 40:31

"I'm so very ordinary
Nothing special on my own
I have never walked on water
I have never calmed a storm
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

Weary brother
Broken daughter
Widowed, widowed lover
You're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

~repeat chorus~

Call Him in the mornin'
In the afternoon time
Late in the evenin'
He'll be there
When your heart is broken
And you feel discouraged
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there"

(c)2001 Wordspring Music, Inc./Lil' Jas Music/SESAC
Nicole C. Mullen

tornadoes...

i started painting...watercolors.
that's really new for me and the first thing i've painted
is called "angry sky" and it's a picture of a tornado.
i dream about tornadoes quite a bit and though i used to be fascinated by them,
when we had that tornado scare and 3 touched down very near to where i live,
the fascination petered out...
i often dream that i am the first one to see the tornado coming and i run around trying to alert everyone
then run around trying to gather up my 3 children and head for cover.
in each dream, as me and the children kneel, praying, for Abba's divine intervention, the tornado
passes us by.
we are spared.
God's miraculous mercy - saving us yet again...
but the dreams have become more and more vivid, and i wake up remembering the sounds and smells
and the fear that is so prevalent each time.
i only know 2 other people who dream of tornadoes on a regular basis and both have asked
Jesus into their hearts to be their Lord and Savior...
i believe the dreams are a warning...an alert to be ready.
that reminds me of a favorite song/chorus: "When the Time Comes" (by sandi patti)

"and when the time comes, i want Him to know me
when the time comes, i wanna be there
and when the time comes, i wanna be ready
when Jesus comes to take me Home..."

how 'bout you? are you ready?

if not, heads up...looks like a storm is coming.

crazy storm...

Update:
all is well, the winds are not as strong and i praise Jesus that we didn't
lose our power.
yay for the calm after the storm...



the wind out here is insane right now...up to 60 mph!
i haven't even been to bed yet, it's just crazy and the lights are flickering on and off...
one of my windows has almost been blown clear off, glory be!
i've got plenty of candles and i'm thankful for that, but wow...this is something else!
i'm actually a lil nervous now...i've never experienced any winds of this magnitude before, but i'm sure everything will be just fine.

gotta go, don't know how much longer before the power goes out...say a prayer for me and the kids, we'd appreciate it, all...i'll keep ya posted!

love,

elaine
(p.s. you should hear the dogs howling in the neighborhood, poor guys! and my remaining kitties are as close to me on the desk as they can get...and staring at the front door!)

the kitties...

{dedicated to my amazing girls, n & b...
i love you so muching and am so thankful
for your support in this painful decision.}

Rainy days...

as long as I can remember, I've loved the rain...it is my most favorite nature-wise creation of Abba's and i never tire of it.

a long time ago, someone i cared for very much, collected pictures of the rain for me
and then gave them to me on my birthday...i will never forget it.
simple gift, right?
but he knew, without telling, how deeply the rain moves me.

i have written my best stories and lyrics when it is raining
and it has long been a dream of mine to be kissed in the rain...

~stormy, violet-blue clouds hovering like a blanket over the day.
a couple walking in the rain, holding hands
and then...
a kiss.
soft, quiet, born from love...a true kiss with true love as it's author~

silly, girl-dreams maybe.
but they matter.
they remain.
and while some dreams are hard to part with, others stay with us for always...

dream big...you were always meant to.

The Lakehouse...

sometimes i've felt as if i couldn't remember love...
or as if it was a party and i was the only one not invited.
there is such raw power in loving someone unconditionally - without time or barrier.
i felt that once...many years ago.
i was afraid of it - i remember that.
i remember being held and loved just as i was, in that moment...
in his arms.
and it was there that all my fears ran away, and hope beckoned, promising me tomorrow.
later, we would part and i would begin to go back to a time when i was tender, vulnerable and humble.
i had to be 're-born'...
now my days are full again.
love is here once more...in the eyes of my children, friends and family.
it is a different love to be sure - but it is love nonetheless...
and that is more than enough.

Come to Jesus...for He will give you rest

This life is fraught with sorrow and struggle...(witness this anniversary of September 11th)
We are fragile beings, easily wounded and wearied.
Precious Jesus, humbled Himself and became one of us,
so that He could join us in this difficult journey...
He knows how hard it is to walk "the straight and narrow"
and all too easy to stumble and fall.
He promises us this - that we can come to the foot of the Cross,
wounded, wearied and lost, and He will give us rest.
This promise is for every person, every day, at every moment.
If you are hurting today, please take just a moment and ask Him for help...for rest.
He will never fail you.

Hello again...

hello to all -

the "theme" for my life in the last several weeks has been about dealing with loss.
not only the loss of my brother, but the loss in everyday life.

i had an amazing conversation this week with someone i used to love...
he reminded me of the good times we shared and how sad and tragic that we once let all that go...
we didn't fight hard enough to be with each other and ended up going our separate ways...
a heartbreaking reality when i thought on it...

loss...

the doors we close, the paths left untraveled and the eventualities of letting go.

can we ever go back?
can we ever begin again when there has been so much pain in the past?

only Abba has the answers and in the quietest place inside me, i ask Him for His wisdom, His ideas, not mine - oh dearest Lord, not mine...

do you recognize this place in your life today?
does it sound familiar?
i pray for us all, that Abba alone will bless and direct, keep and protect as we continue to move forward.

loving you because He first loved me,

laineyrose

deprivation...

hi to all,

wanted to discuss the counseling for a bit...as i've already shared, i'm in counseling to try and cope with the recent death of my brother.

it's going well...it's hard but it's moving forward bit by bit.

here's what i've learned so far:

i'm brave, courageous for all i've endured...a survivor.

i love the t.v. show "Starting Over"...it deals with women who are struggling and asking for help.

one of the "life-coach's" asked a young woman just one simple question:
"what were you deprived of in your childhood?"
and that tender young woman just broke down and cried...so did i.

i asked myself the same question and the answer came immediately - safety...
i was deprived of safety and protection.
i never really felt safe in my childhood.
i survived living from fear to fear.
when something wonderful would happen or someone would tell me they loved me,
i was always thinking "it's too good to be true" and was always waiting for "the other shoe to drop"
it was not safe for me to love someone and/or let them love me...

several years ago, i met a wonderful young man with an amazing sense of humor...someone who looked at me - really looked at me and loved me completely.
just loved me for me...it was an amazing gift and truthfully the only time in my life where i was loved and valued for just being me...no bells or whistles, just me and i will never forget it.

that amazing young man divorced me and married another...and despite it all, i will love him always.

maybe i won't ever feel fully safe until we go Home...but at least i'm still going...after all, i'm a courageous survivor, aren't i?

with all my love and especially to M and J,

Laineyrose

words, ripples and butterflies...

i've been really blessed with using SMS for my transportation to and from my doc's...i can no longer drive for very long (due to terrible nausea) and SMS has been such a blessing in helping me get to all my appointments.
it was a hot and busy day for this driver, yet he was kind and cheerful and made me laugh.

as so often happens, we got around to discussing relationships, Abba and the struggles in our lives.
i spoke about ernzy and then my dad and he was compassionate and empathetic...
{just speaking about them can pierce through me at unexpected times}
i miss them both terribly...

each of us leave our "mark" our "signature" on this world as we depart from it, changing events and the people around us whether we realize it or not.
i did not realize how indelibly imprinted i had become by my brother's life.
his love, unique laugh and sense of humor, his passion for music and his deepest desire to just be loved.
like the "butterfly effect" & "chaos theory", ernzy's actions, his "ripples in a pond" changed my life forever and i still cannot believe he is gone.

he was such a vibrant man...i wish you could have known him...i wish he would have stayed.
maybe one of the great lessons in all of this is to realize that whether we believe it or not...we all matter.
we all make a difference, for the better or for the worse...
and in the end it's important to understand that we all need each other to simply carry on.

if you can see this, ernzy, i love you so very, very, much, and i want you to know i know that you made a difference in this world...your life mattered here - you mattered.

your life changed mine forever, ernzy...what a beautiful gift you will always be.

April 20...

Today is the anniversary of my Dad's suicide...i was 12 years old at the time...many years later i wrote a song for him...but now, i think it is for my Ernzy as well...i can't remember it all right now ~ just the chorus:

"You could have stayed a little longer
waited for me to come to you
i would have held you 'til you were stronger
waited with you 'til it was through"

i miss you Dad, i will miss you always...
~April 20, 1979~

something about Ernzy...

today i start bereavement counseling to try and survive without my beloved brother, Ernzy...
O, God, i miss him so
i'd give anything to just have one more moment with him
i was not all i should have been to him while he was alive
i failed him at times, i know this...

thank you all for your continued prayers and support, they mean more than you know...

love,

laineyrose

Everybody hurts...REM

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone. . ."

"He makes everything beautiful in it's time"

i would like to thank all those who've been so kind and loving towards me and my family as we are just trying to get through each day...finding our way through this time of grieving.
i would also like to thank Abba for all He's done...Abba, i have faith that you will somehow make all of this "beautiful in it's time"...i love You, my Father-my Strength-my very Life...

thank you all again for your continued love and prayers,

Laineyrose

my precious Ernzy...

my beloved brother took his life yesterday...
i cannot describe the pain of knowing that i will not see my brother until the day Jesus returns...i would have given anything, Ernzy, to take away your pain, to give you joy just once more -
but i will see you again, my Ernzy...i will see you again.
meet me at the Gates, Ernzy, i'll have my arms open and the largest smile on my face.

your lainey for always and always...

{first my Father kills himself in 1979, then my beloved Ernzy just last Friday...oh Abba, i never thought that i'd lose Ernzy too...Father, please help us all and especially Mom...losing her only son...help us, Abba...we need You}

Dedicated to me and my family, by ttt...for our terrible loss of Ernzy

"Lonely Day"
{by SOAD}

Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
And its mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

For Ernzy...

{Dedicated to my beloved brother, Ernzy...may Abba draw near to you and bless with both courage for today and hope for tomorrow...i pray that your sorrow will once more be turned to joy in days ahead of us...i love you so dearly, Ernzy...just hold on, my brother, hold on...}

{And in loving memory of S. DePonty
~2/08/2006~
your struggles are finished and your time has come,
i pray your soul finds peace and rest at long last.
in memory of you, S...
until we all meet again.}

the Choice...

as always,

Abba Father watches and waits to see whether we accept or reject His ways,

His guidance and His Son...

and as always, the choice lies with us.

it's a simple choice that changes everything the moment we make it.

in just an instant we can be closer to our true Home, our Everlasting Father and Brother Divine.

so, if you were asked, "whom do ye serve?" - what would you say? . . .

because He lives,

laineyrose

For You Mom...

{my Mom is truly one of the most amazing women anyone could ever know ~
and though this birthday tribute is late, it was as true then as it is now...}

"YOU ARE"
there are girls
who grow up with quiet dreams
in desperate homes
wanting more than anything
to just be loved...

there are young women
who dream of love
and of marriage
wanting more than anything
to just be seen for who they are...

there are mothers
who dream of happiness
wanting more than anything
to just be a strength for their children...

there are women
who dream of healing
wanting more than anything
to just turn back the clock...

for one more day - just one more hour
to do all the things they've dreamed of
to stop the wanting
to be free from pain
and to know that they are:

real
valued
brave
hope-givers
life-sustainers
admirable
undaunted
fearless
approachable
forgiving
forgiven
forbearing
accomplished
redeemed
precious &
priceless...

{Ma,
you are truly one of those rare women mentioned above...
your life and your birthday are a celebration i never stop thanking God for.
Happy Birthday, Mom!!!
i love you with all i am and all i wish i could be,
Missy}

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