he gave all he had...

The Little Drummer Boy

Come they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see
Pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the kIng
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
So to honor Him
Pa rum pum pum pum
When we come
Little baby
Pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too
Pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give our King
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
Shall I play for you
Pa rum pum pum pum
On my drum
Mary nodded
Pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
Then He smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum...me and my drum.

with gratitude...

this Thanksgiving was truly the best Thanksgiving i've ever had...

for the first time, i made Thanksgiving dinner with my children.

there was much to do, so we paced ourselves and stayed very calm

and relaxed throughout it all.

what a blessing this day has been!

this is only the 2nd time i've ever made a turkey

and i cannot believe how moist and beautiful it turned out!

('course i prayed alot, lol)

we had turkey, stuffing, green been casserole, mashed tatoes made with real butter

and heavy cream, cauliflower with cheese sauce, rolls, 3 pies, sparkling cider and

cranberry sauce...

there were no conflicts, quarrels, fussing, unhappiness at all

and while we cooked, we had some wonderful Christmas music playing in the background.

and believe it or not, to make it perfect, it began to snow!

me and the kids kept saying how amazing this year's Thanksgiving was.

it was just us four and it was truly beautiful.

no rushing, no stress, just peaceful memory-making moments...

and for this alone, i am forever grateful.

(we purchased 2 disposable camera's and i can't wait to see the pics!)

the next day, we decorated the tree and house and made sugar cookies

from scratch, and the icing to go with them!

it's been forever since i last baked...and with the girls to boot.

we doubled the recipe, split and chilled the dough and made the icing,

using food coloring to create gorgeous red, green, purple and weird caramel colors.

though it was late by the time we finished the baking,

we turned off all the lights

and sat in wonder in our now glittering home...

i am so very, very grateful, to our precious Abba,

for the joys and blessed moments of this holiday season ~

because without Him,

it wouldn't be worth a thing...

For you, ernzy...

today is my brother's birthday...
i would give anything for just one more minute with him,
but me and my family will have to wait until we are reunited with him in Heaven.

for my Mom...ma, you were a wonderful mother to ernzy, you gave all you had and
i know he smiles down upon you, precious mom. you have nothing to regret and Abba will once again
put your son in your arms, right where he belongs.

for my Dad...dad, you were often the listening ear for ernzy, and loved him as if he was your own.
and because of your love, ernzy was your son too.
thank you for being his father, he desperately needed that.

for my 'Nae...'nae, you have always been there for each of us and most especially for ernzy.
unstilting and unconditional love.
only you witnessed the tragedy and are still here ~ living on, day by day, loving him in memory,
loving him always.

for my Nattie...nattie, you, the baby of the family, have loved ernzy all your life and i know from
his place in Heaven, ernzy remembers and smiles and loves you deeply in return and waits for the
strength of your embrace when you see him yet again.

we love you, ernzy...and today we especially remember and are grateful to Abba for each borrowed
moment.
i love and miss you, my ernzy...happy birthday...i have a candle in the window just for you.

Isaiah 40:31

"I'm so very ordinary
Nothing special on my own
I have never walked on water
I have never calmed a storm
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

Weary brother
Broken daughter
Widowed, widowed lover
You're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

~repeat chorus~

Call Him in the mornin'
In the afternoon time
Late in the evenin'
He'll be there
When your heart is broken
And you feel discouraged
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there"

(c)2001 Wordspring Music, Inc./Lil' Jas Music/SESAC
Nicole C. Mullen

tornadoes...

i started painting...watercolors.
that's really new for me and the first thing i've painted
is called "angry sky" and it's a picture of a tornado.
i dream about tornadoes quite a bit and though i used to be fascinated by them,
when we had that tornado scare and 3 touched down very near to where i live,
the fascination petered out...
i often dream that i am the first one to see the tornado coming and i run around trying to alert everyone
then run around trying to gather up my 3 children and head for cover.
in each dream, as me and the children kneel, praying, for Abba's divine intervention, the tornado
passes us by.
we are spared.
God's miraculous mercy - saving us yet again...
but the dreams have become more and more vivid, and i wake up remembering the sounds and smells
and the fear that is so prevalent each time.
i only know 2 other people who dream of tornadoes on a regular basis and both have asked
Jesus into their hearts to be their Lord and Savior...
i believe the dreams are a warning...an alert to be ready.
that reminds me of a favorite song/chorus: "When the Time Comes" (by sandi patti)

"and when the time comes, i want Him to know me
when the time comes, i wanna be there
and when the time comes, i wanna be ready
when Jesus comes to take me Home..."

how 'bout you? are you ready?

if not, heads up...looks like a storm is coming.

crazy storm...

Update:
all is well, the winds are not as strong and i praise Jesus that we didn't
lose our power.
yay for the calm after the storm...



the wind out here is insane right now...up to 60 mph!
i haven't even been to bed yet, it's just crazy and the lights are flickering on and off...
one of my windows has almost been blown clear off, glory be!
i've got plenty of candles and i'm thankful for that, but wow...this is something else!
i'm actually a lil nervous now...i've never experienced any winds of this magnitude before, but i'm sure everything will be just fine.

gotta go, don't know how much longer before the power goes out...say a prayer for me and the kids, we'd appreciate it, all...i'll keep ya posted!

love,

elaine
(p.s. you should hear the dogs howling in the neighborhood, poor guys! and my remaining kitties are as close to me on the desk as they can get...and staring at the front door!)

the kitties...

{dedicated to my amazing girls, n & b...
i love you so muching and am so thankful
for your support in this painful decision.}

Rainy days...

as long as I can remember, I've loved the rain...it is my most favorite nature-wise creation of Abba's and i never tire of it.

a long time ago, someone i cared for very much, collected pictures of the rain for me
and then gave them to me on my birthday...i will never forget it.
simple gift, right?
but he knew, without telling, how deeply the rain moves me.

i have written my best stories and lyrics when it is raining
and it has long been a dream of mine to be kissed in the rain...

~stormy, violet-blue clouds hovering like a blanket over the day.
a couple walking in the rain, holding hands
and then...
a kiss.
soft, quiet, born from love...a true kiss with true love as it's author~

silly, girl-dreams maybe.
but they matter.
they remain.
and while some dreams are hard to part with, others stay with us for always...

dream big...you were always meant to.

The Lakehouse...

sometimes i've felt as if i couldn't remember love...
or as if it was a party and i was the only one not invited.
there is such raw power in loving someone unconditionally - without time or barrier.
i felt that once...many years ago.
i was afraid of it - i remember that.
i remember being held and loved just as i was, in that moment...
in his arms.
and it was there that all my fears ran away, and hope beckoned, promising me tomorrow.
later, we would part and i would begin to go back to a time when i was tender, vulnerable and humble.
i had to be 're-born'...
now my days are full again.
love is here once more...in the eyes of my children, friends and family.
it is a different love to be sure - but it is love nonetheless...
and that is more than enough.

Come to Jesus...for He will give you rest

This life is fraught with sorrow and struggle...(witness this anniversary of September 11th)
We are fragile beings, easily wounded and wearied.
Precious Jesus, humbled Himself and became one of us,
so that He could join us in this difficult journey...
He knows how hard it is to walk "the straight and narrow"
and all too easy to stumble and fall.
He promises us this - that we can come to the foot of the Cross,
wounded, wearied and lost, and He will give us rest.
This promise is for every person, every day, at every moment.
If you are hurting today, please take just a moment and ask Him for help...for rest.
He will never fail you.

Hello again...

hello to all -

the "theme" for my life in the last several weeks has been about dealing with loss.
not only the loss of my brother, but the loss in everyday life.

i had an amazing conversation this week with someone i used to love...
he reminded me of the good times we shared and how sad and tragic that we once let all that go...
we didn't fight hard enough to be with each other and ended up going our separate ways...
a heartbreaking reality when i thought on it...

loss...

the doors we close, the paths left untraveled and the eventualities of letting go.

can we ever go back?
can we ever begin again when there has been so much pain in the past?

only Abba has the answers and in the quietest place inside me, i ask Him for His wisdom, His ideas, not mine - oh dearest Lord, not mine...

do you recognize this place in your life today?
does it sound familiar?
i pray for us all, that Abba alone will bless and direct, keep and protect as we continue to move forward.

loving you because He first loved me,

laineyrose

deprivation...

hi to all,

wanted to discuss the counseling for a bit...as i've already shared, i'm in counseling to try and cope with the recent death of my brother.

it's going well...it's hard but it's moving forward bit by bit.

here's what i've learned so far:

i'm brave, courageous for all i've endured...a survivor.

i love the t.v. show "Starting Over"...it deals with women who are struggling and asking for help.

one of the "life-coach's" asked a young woman just one simple question:
"what were you deprived of in your childhood?"
and that tender young woman just broke down and cried...so did i.

i asked myself the same question and the answer came immediately - safety...
i was deprived of safety and protection.
i never really felt safe in my childhood.
i survived living from fear to fear.
when something wonderful would happen or someone would tell me they loved me,
i was always thinking "it's too good to be true" and was always waiting for "the other shoe to drop"
it was not safe for me to love someone and/or let them love me...

several years ago, i met a wonderful young man with an amazing sense of humor...someone who looked at me - really looked at me and loved me completely.
just loved me for me...it was an amazing gift and truthfully the only time in my life where i was loved and valued for just being me...no bells or whistles, just me and i will never forget it.

that amazing young man divorced me and married another...and despite it all, i will love him always.

maybe i won't ever feel fully safe until we go Home...but at least i'm still going...after all, i'm a courageous survivor, aren't i?

with all my love and especially to M and J,

Laineyrose

words, ripples and butterflies...

i've been really blessed with using SMS for my transportation to and from my doc's...i can no longer drive for very long (due to terrible nausea) and SMS has been such a blessing in helping me get to all my appointments.
it was a hot and busy day for this driver, yet he was kind and cheerful and made me laugh.

as so often happens, we got around to discussing relationships, Abba and the struggles in our lives.
i spoke about ernzy and then my dad and he was compassionate and empathetic...
{just speaking about them can pierce through me at unexpected times}
i miss them both terribly...

each of us leave our "mark" our "signature" on this world as we depart from it, changing events and the people around us whether we realize it or not.
i did not realize how indelibly imprinted i had become by my brother's life.
his love, unique laugh and sense of humor, his passion for music and his deepest desire to just be loved.
like the "butterfly effect" & "chaos theory", ernzy's actions, his "ripples in a pond" changed my life forever and i still cannot believe he is gone.

he was such a vibrant man...i wish you could have known him...i wish he would have stayed.
maybe one of the great lessons in all of this is to realize that whether we believe it or not...we all matter.
we all make a difference, for the better or for the worse...
and in the end it's important to understand that we all need each other to simply carry on.

if you can see this, ernzy, i love you so very, very, much, and i want you to know i know that you made a difference in this world...your life mattered here - you mattered.

your life changed mine forever, ernzy...what a beautiful gift you will always be.

April 20...

Today is the anniversary of my Dad's suicide...i was 12 years old at the time...many years later i wrote a song for him...but now, i think it is for my Ernzy as well...i can't remember it all right now ~ just the chorus:

"You could have stayed a little longer
waited for me to come to you
i would have held you 'til you were stronger
waited with you 'til it was through"

i miss you Dad, i will miss you always...
~April 20, 1979~

something about Ernzy...

today i start bereavement counseling to try and survive without my beloved brother, Ernzy...
O, God, i miss him so
i'd give anything to just have one more moment with him
i was not all i should have been to him while he was alive
i failed him at times, i know this...

thank you all for your continued prayers and support, they mean more than you know...

love,

laineyrose

Everybody hurts...REM

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone. . ."

"He makes everything beautiful in it's time"

i would like to thank all those who've been so kind and loving towards me and my family as we are just trying to get through each day...finding our way through this time of grieving.
i would also like to thank Abba for all He's done...Abba, i have faith that you will somehow make all of this "beautiful in it's time"...i love You, my Father-my Strength-my very Life...

thank you all again for your continued love and prayers,

Laineyrose

my precious Ernzy...

my beloved brother took his life yesterday...
i cannot describe the pain of knowing that i will not see my brother until the day Jesus returns...i would have given anything, Ernzy, to take away your pain, to give you joy just once more -
but i will see you again, my Ernzy...i will see you again.
meet me at the Gates, Ernzy, i'll have my arms open and the largest smile on my face.

your lainey for always and always...

{first my Father kills himself in 1979, then my beloved Ernzy just last Friday...oh Abba, i never thought that i'd lose Ernzy too...Father, please help us all and especially Mom...losing her only son...help us, Abba...we need You}

Dedicated to me and my family, by ttt...for our terrible loss of Ernzy

"Lonely Day"
{by SOAD}

Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
And its mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

For Ernzy...

{Dedicated to my beloved brother, Ernzy...may Abba draw near to you and bless with both courage for today and hope for tomorrow...i pray that your sorrow will once more be turned to joy in days ahead of us...i love you so dearly, Ernzy...just hold on, my brother, hold on...}

{And in loving memory of S. DePonty
~2/08/2006~
your struggles are finished and your time has come,
i pray your soul finds peace and rest at long last.
in memory of you, S...
until we all meet again.}

the Choice...

as always,

Abba Father watches and waits to see whether we accept or reject His ways,

His guidance and His Son...

and as always, the choice lies with us.

it's a simple choice that changes everything the moment we make it.

in just an instant we can be closer to our true Home, our Everlasting Father and Brother Divine.

so, if you were asked, "whom do ye serve?" - what would you say? . . .

because He lives,

laineyrose