renovating...

I've been doing alot of painting, sewing and general renovation lately...it's exciting to see almost instant change in our surroundings!

I especially love painting...walls and furniture the most!

it's a wonderful thing but it got me to thinking that as great as it is to create a fresh and new environment, what about the renovation that needs to take place in my heart?

what needs changing, fixing, in the way i think, do and say?

what do i truly care about...who am i reaching and affecting with my behavior and speech?

dear Father,

please renovate my heart- 

making me sensitive to the needs of others, sensing others in pain and crisis - 

reaching out with love and empathy for all...

i love You, Father...and i want to be the best mother, daughter, and friend i can be...i know that only You can reach into the deepest parts of me, changing the very heart of me for good - 

for You...

a little...

it's my birthday today and i'm feeling a little blue...it's unusual for me to feel this way, i usually have a very sunny outlook on things, people and life...i try to always stay positive and grateful for God's blessings in my life...

tomorrow will be better!

 

   my favorite prayer...

"hold me in the light of God

 protect me from danger

 save me by Your command 

 listen to my prayer

 and keep me safe."

For Ernzy...

 each of us leave our mark on this world as we depart from it, changing events and the people around us whether we realize it or not.

i did not realize how indelibly imprinted i had become by my brother's life.
his love, unique laugh and sense of humor, his passion for music and his deepest desire to just be loved.
like the "butterfly effect" & "chaos theory", ernzy's actions, his "ripples in a pond" changed my life forever and i still cannot believe he is gone.

he was such a vibrant man...i wish you could have known him...i wish he would have stayed.
maybe one of the great lessons in all of this is to realize that whether we believe it or not...we all matter.
we all make a difference, for the better or for the worse...
and in the end it's important to understand that we all need each other to simply carry on.

if you can see this, ernzy, i love you so very, very, much, and i want you to know i know that you made a difference in this world...your life mattered here - and you matter still.

your life changed mine forever, ernzy...what a beautiful gift you will always be.

All I want for Christmas...

There's someone special i love...

i've known and loved him for 40 years...

but he's there and i'm over here...and he doesn't know how much i miss him.

he's gone quiet...silent and still...and i let him go...no calls or texts (save one), i just respected his silence and watched him drift away.

i think of him each and every day...thoughts i want to share, stories that would make him laugh and my sense of dorkiness that makes him smile.

he doesn't know about this blog, so i'll quietly say this to him here...

all i want for Christmas is you...

I'll be seeing you...

i'm so excited!...i'm going to Arizona on Nov 10th to stay with my best friend for about a week...i live far away from her in Washington State and we don't get to see each other very often!

I don't think i've mentioned before that i'm an amputee.  It's a BKA (below the knee amputation).  I get by just fine with a wheelchair and a prosthetic leg.  i'll be "on my leg" for as long as possible starting with my plane ride there...

my amazing twin daughters are scared for me....afraid people will be mean to me...they are so adorable!  i tell them that everything will be just fine but they don't have a good feeling about the flight and really don't want me to go.  i wish they could come with...we would have so much fun with all of us together!

my best friend 'Nae is the best woman i know.  She is kind, generous, loving, giving, so supportive and so fun to be around.  i love you, 'Nae!

we have been best friends since the 4th grade!  we met at church and have been very close for a long time...

this will be the first time i have traveled this far in the U.S....

i love traveling! 

i love seeing new places and beautiful scenery - especially places with waterfalls...and there are many places in Europe i'd love to explore (i want to spend some time in Paris most of all!)

maybe one day....

i just want to say thank You, Father, for this opportunity to travel and be with my beloved best friend...please bless our fellowship together and the precious time we have with one another...i love you, Father.....Your daughter, lil ole me...

thanks everyone for stopping by and may God bless you all!

Ever thine...

 

for those of us who love someone and are loved in return -
measure for measure,
we can call ourselves blessed...

for those of us who love someone who does not love us back -
if we've truly given of ourselves,
we can live without regret...

and for those of us who love only ourselves -
in the end,
we are the lonely ones...

for myself,
i'd rather love with all my heart and be turned away -
than never take the risk at all...

a little change of plans!

so it's that time of year again - when I'm officially a little older. 

my children and i were going to see Seattle again like we usually do around my birthday...but...we went to Leavenworth instead!

I've never seen it and just before we left we decided to see a place I've never been to!

It's a completely charming town with friendly faces everywhere we went...we found a shop that's just for and about Christmas and I got some beautiful sparklies from there for my b-day!

My children truly spoil me for my birthday and each year I am both grateful and amazed for all they do to make my day special! 

I do have a special birthday wish that hasn't yet come true...I wish to ride in a hot-air balloon...it would be like flying and I wish for it with all my silly heart :)        maybe someday...

a special thank you to my beautiful, amazing children who i could clearly never deserve!

and of course, to my amazing Father God, for making me feel loved and special on my birthday each and every year...i love You dearly...your soon to be older daughter, elaine ;)

the new year...

 I'd like to ring in the new year romantically :) ...a glass of something bubbly, Old Lang Syne playing in the background and a special kiss to remember...

That's not what usually happens, lol...

I celebrate the new year with my children and it is always special in a different way...so grateful for their love and companionship...I am so blessed to have these amazing children...soo blessed!

But the best thing about the new year is the fresh start it affords us...A clean slate and a time for new beginnings...putting the missteps behind us and standing up again to walk then to run...hoping to hit our stride in 2025.

I never make new years resolutions because i think they're too flimsy and fragile and easily broken.

instead i make prayer requests to the Father...asking for help to change the flaws in my character, to make me a better mom, daughter and friend.

I vow to value time as never before...never forgetting how brief this life is, I don't want to waste one more minute on the trivialities and distractions, rather, I want to appreciate all the people i love and spend my time wisely and give my love to those around me without reservation...spending each day as if it were my last...

time is short, our lives are fleeting so don't waste time today...tell the people you love that you love them, hug a friend or relative and let them know you care...give of your time and money to those in need while you can still make a difference in the people around you...strangers and friends alike.

I tell the people i love that i love them...I never forget to let them know...because i know how quickly we are here and then gone and what it truly means to cherish them each and every day...while we can...how about you?...is there someone you should call and simply say i love you...telling them how much they mean to you?

the clock is ticking and unstoppable so let's truly value one another and not be afraid to reach out...don't let these moments pass you by...

one of my absolute favorite songs is by Tim McGraw and it's called "Live Like You Were Dying"...I'll close this post with the lyrics to his song...feel free to press play to hear this song!  God bless each and everyone of you and thank you so much for stopping by!

He said
"I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
Talkin' 'bout the options
And talkin' 'bout sweet time"
I asked him
"When it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit you
When you get that kind of news?
Man, what'd you do?"

 

He said
"I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying"

 

He said
"I was finally the husband
That most of the time I wasn't
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden going fishin'
Wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
I finally read the Good Book, and I
Took a good, long, hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then

 

I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
Like tomorrow was a gift
And you've got eternity
To think about
What you'd do with it
What could you do with it
What did I do with it?
What would I do with it?

 

Skydiving
I went Rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying"

Christmas morn...

 It's Christmas morning and I'm wide awake while my children sleep soundly...

They're all grown now but they're here, tonight, ready to wake and open gifts and I am profoundly grateful that they are.

Last night, Christmas Eve, we all spent together at my son's, opening a few gifts, eating a lovely meal, playing card games with Christmas music playing softly in the background, laughing loudly and grateful just to be together.

The only missing piece was the snow...not a white lacey flake in sight and it truly disheartens me...I've grown up with a white Christmas every year...I took it for granted as a child but pray actively for it each year that passes by.

Someone i love recently told me that the snow was irrelevant...not a big deal...and that's okay for him - but it truly is to me...as it falls on the earth, it covers dirt and darkness leaving a beautiful elegant white blanket on the ground...and the world is lighter and brighter for it's falling...

did you know that snow falls at the end of almost every Christmas movie?  There's a good reason for that...it means the film, the family, the Christmas wishes and dreams are complete...the problems are resolved and the joy and peace of the season are there for all to enjoy...

I wonder what wishes and dreams are waiting in your heart this beautiful and amazing time of year?

What would make you feel complete and resolved and filled with joy?

Thank you, Father for just being who You are in our lives......with or without snow, I am truly grateful for all the people I love and care for.

You are the reason for the season and I pray You touch every heart and mind tonight...

revealing Your great Love and mercy for each of us as we lay dreaming of Christmas morn...

in the rain...

I'm off to Green Bluff this morning...it's a tradition with me and my beautiful and amazing daughters!

Each year we trudge on out in the early morning hours to visit the different farms and pick out pumpkins we carve together....

blessings i am eternally grateful for 

and even better......this year it will be raining on our little adventure!  

for me, the rain makes everything better.......

it takes an average day and makes it magical...the mesmerizing sound of windshield wipers back and forth, the reflected lights of cars in puddles nearby...for me, the very definition of cozy.

and i am happy and thankful for all of this..........thankful for the steaming cup of coffee in my hand as I watch the rain from my living room window......

thank You, Father for these yearly moments with my children...for these rainy moments of warmth and coziness...

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." *James 1:17*

this time...

I've been very ill for about the last 5-6 days...just today i've started to feel like myself again...

Thank You Father, for my amazing and understanding children! they have been there for me every step of the way...(though I missed both Silverwood and Lord of the Rings with them).

And thank You Father for healing me bit by bit and day by day...

many years later...

 I'm so happy to post again...it's been too long and the journey filled with blessings and heartache but i've missed this blog and sharing what the Lord has done in my life and those closest to me...

I wonder how your journey has been...what lessons you've learned and taught the others in your lives and all the moments in between...

i will post again soon and may God bless you for stopping by!

and then there was Graham....

today was a bit rough...trying to get answers...so many phone calls...so little help.

and then there was Graham...a wonderful man who i didn't meet until today...just a few moments ago...and he changed everything.

just a few kind words when i was in tears...and it made such a difference to me!

so here's my thank you, Graham....may God bless you always :)

Happy 4th of July!!

i'm so excited for the 4th of July!!
we bbq all day, light our fireworks after sunset and just enjoy being with family and friends! 😊

it's a truly blessed day and i'm so thankful that i'll get to spend it with my children! 

we still buy sparklers and write our names in the air...(it never fails that my beautiful daughter Bronte' burns herself every single year!)

my all-time fav firework is the bees!!! they're the best!
and they're sort of scary because you never know where they'll end up!!

last year i lit one of the bees and i accidentally dropped it right in front of me and then i ran and Alexandra, my beautiful daughter, was walking towards me and i grabbed her and dragged her away!  even though we were at a safe distance, it whizzed right by my ear!...after i explained why i did that, we laughed and laughed, cuz that's the kind of thing that only ever happens to me, lol!!!

i thank our Father that i'm an American and i'm proud to celebrate our Independence Day!

so Happy 4th of July everyone
and God bless you for stopping by!!
:) 

grateful...

i'm grateful for the time i have with my children...

my daughter Alexandra and i have recently started to travel around locally, with the idea to find good food and make new memories!

so far Coeur d' Alene is my favorite because of the delicious food at Dockside Restaurant and the beautiful lake they have!

this weekend, Lord willing of course, we have our sights set on Otis Orchards and Liberty Lake!

it's so much fun to travel, even if it's all basically local :)

it's a change of scenery and i'm grateful for it and the chance to be with my children in a different way!

joining us will be my other beautiful daughter, Bronte' and her love, Courtney, and soon, Alexandra's best friend and my adopted daughter, Kia.

i would love to do this with my son, Roman, but he has very little free time as he is a chef in a Spokane restaurant!

just driving on the freeway, i am often surprised by the gorgeous colors of the sky and the little towns that seem fascinating to me :)

and the beauty always reminds me of our precious Father...the creator of every beautiful detail in nature...His vision...and i am grateful to share in all the splendor He has made for us!

it's easy to get bored and to stop appreciating the wonderful moments we have with those we love...to stop looking up and around...to stop being grateful...

have you stopped looking around, stopped appreciating what and who you have?

you can always start again and it's easy to do!

just remember the child in you...
remember the wonder...
open your heart again and remember who has made it all!

we praise and thank You, our forgiving and tender-hearted Father, for all the wondrous things You have done and all the wondrous things You will do today, tomorrow and forever!

God bless you for stopping by!!

:)

I am not there...

last night i was watching one of my favorite shows and i heard this poem...
it just really touched my heart...
it's written by Mary Elizabeth Frye.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die."

from our beloved Father...

These words of God mean everything to me...

they're words of comfort and safety, both of which are in scarcity today.

Thank You, Father for always knowing when and what to say to Your children...

i love and need You more each passing day...

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

your lainey

edict for the recovering rager...

I've been memorizing some beautiful and practical scripture...this is awesome!!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, along with every form of malice. 
Be kind and compassionate with one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you."

*Ephesians 4: 31-32*
  NIV

what dreams may come...

dearest child of mine,

may you meet the man destined to become your husband...

a man whose greatest wish is make your dreams come true...

a man who loves God with all his heart and soul and is then teachable by the Holy Spirit in how to love you and the children you will one day have...

a man who is strong without being cruel
forthright without being domineering.

the spiritual 'head of the household' and only does this under the lordship of Jesus Christ...

a man who would no sooner hurt you than hurt himself.

a man who understands completely what sacrificial love is, does and costs.

a man who listens to what you say and what you don't say, are afraid to say, dare not say.

a man who is your humanly "safe place", while you journey together in this life.

a man who doesn't just see you, but rather, he sees through you, with the loving and uncondemning eyes of Christ.

a man who will never leave, give up on or abandon you, regardless of the circumstances.

a man who will never attempt to replace you with another.

a man who can't forget you, who will always love you...no matter how much time or distance has come to pass...

who will fight for you with every breath he has...
who will 'fight tigers for you'...

and lastly, please know you can believe, dream of and always reach for true love...
it exists because God, our beloved Father does.
and because He is Love.

this is my prayer for you, dearest child of mine...

with all I am and ever hope to be,

your Mama-muu...