i don't really know how to say this...
i am afraid.
there, i guess that's the best way.
i am afraid that i won't live to see my children's high school graduations.
i am afraid of the moment they move out and i am left behind with my Petey and all the silence.
i am afraid of the moment i will lose my Mom.
i am afraid that my 'family' will never again be reunited.
i am afraid that when i cry out to God, in a very critical moment, that He won't save me...
and that last fear is the most important one:
my Abba Father always asks me:
Elaine, do you trust Me?
i don't...not always...He knows the truth of it.
and that particular question of His is so very loaded...
do you trust Me, Elaine? . . .
to be in control of how and when you die from this liver disease?
to love and care for you when your children move out and onward?
to be your surrogate "Ma" when she eventually passes?
to reunite all those in repentance as I have foretold?
to save you, My little girl, when you call on My Name?
i sit here, as tears fall down my cheeks, and i pray:
dearest Father, i so want to trust in You completely ~
please save me from my unbelief!
You are my refuge and my strength...
i put my tiny hand in Your Omnipotent one
as i put my trust in You...
"if i should lose it all dear Lord, and still have You,
then in the end, i've not lost a thing..."
e.e.e.
