Growing up...

my birthday is this month and it's a milestone occasion...i'm turning 40!
i feel equally grateful to Abba for having lived this long, and sad that i am indeed growing older...
but it is an unalterable cosmic law, isn't it?

for most of my life, i have wanted to be at peace with myself...
i have never really liked myself, couldn't seem to find a reason to.
but now, i feel really loved by our Father...really and truly accepted for who i am.
He really loves me, never gives up on me, and makes me feel brand new.
He makes me feel beautiful and i'm so glad that He loves and forgives me on a daily basis.
we can start over, you know...brand new...clean slate...new beginnings...70x7.
so, i am getting older, that's true, but i'm actually starting to really live too!

i'm taking my 2 closest friends and my children to seattle for a long weekend in early august (Lord willing),

writing a novel that is reminiscent of robert jordan and ken follett,

taking my meds responsibly and keeping all my doc appointments,

for the continuing war between me and the liver disease,

paying my bills,

loving my 'wee-ones' and my kitty cats,

getting a mini-mini daschund in august (again Lord willing),

healing from losing my ernzy,

singing,

still learning italian online,

praising Abba for each day i have with my children and my soul-sissie, ttt (+ froggy and my God-babies),

loving my precious sissie's - b and c,

and falling in love with Jesus all over again!

how about you?

how has growing older changed the way you see and live life?
let me know you think...

and remember ~

it's a brand new day.

tonight...

it's been hard tonight...looking at Ernzy's picture...grieving, feeling like i'm dying a little bit inside...
i'll be fine, Abba's holding my hand and heart in His...i'll be allright.

but tonight, for whatever reason, i can't get the memory of my lil sister coming here to tell me that ernzy died...me being woken up by one of the children, stumbling down the hall, seeing nattie, her saying i have some bad news...it's not about ernzy, right? i ask her...yes, she nods.
i can't shake it...and i can't find any words that are strong enough to share this pain...
and i'd give anything to rewrite that day and the one before.

it can't be, you know?
that my brother is gone?
my ernzy?
i just want to scream out loud that he wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't leave me like that...he wouldn't leave us all like that.
but he did and at moments like these, the pain engraves itself on my heart...

tomorrow will be better.