the Great Physician...

"This sickness is not unto death."

John 11:4

From our Lord's words we learn that there is a limit to sickness.

Here is an "unto" within which its ultimate end is restrained, and beyond which it cannot go.

Lazarus might pass through death, but death was not to be the ultimatum of his sickness.

In all sickness, the Lord saith to the waves of pain, "Hitherto shall ye go, but no further."

His fixed purpose is not the destruction, but the instruction of his people.

Wisdom hangs up the thermometer at the furnace mouth, and regulates the heat.

1. The limit is encouragingly comprehensive.

The God of providence has limited the time, manner, intensity, repetition, and effects of all our sicknesses;

each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestined, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed.

Nothing great or small escapes the ordaining hand of him who numbers the hairs of our head.

2. This limit is wisely adjusted to our strength, to the end designed, and to the grace apportioned.

Affliction comes not at haphazard-the weight of every stroke of the rod is accurately measured.

He who made no mistakes in balancing the clouds and meting out the heavens, commits no errors in

measuring out the ingredients which compose the medicine of souls.

We cannot suffer too much nor be relieved too late.

3. The limit is tenderly appointed.

The knife of the heavenly Surgeon never cuts deeper than is absolutely necessary.

"He doth not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men."

A mother's heart cries, "Spare my child";

but no mother is more compassionate than our gracious God.

When we consider how hard-mouthed we are, it is a wonder that we are not driven with a sharper bit.

The thought is full of consolation, that he who has fixed the bounds of our habitation, has also fixed

the bounds of our tribulation.

~this devotion is written by Charles Spurgeon and can be found at www.heartlight.org~

His mercy...

"The mercy of God."

Psalms 52:8

Meditate a little on this mercy of the Lord.

It is tender mercy.

With gentle, loving touch, he heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.

He is as gracious in the manner of his mercy as in the matter of it.

It is great mercy.

There is nothing little in God;

his mercy is like himself-it is infinite.

You cannot measure it.

His mercy is so great that it forgives great sins to great sinners, after great lengths of time,

and then gives great favours and great privileges, and raises us up to great enjoyments in the

great heaven of the great God.

It is undeserved mercy, as indeed all true mercy must be, for deserved mercy is only a misnomer for justice.

There was no right on the sinner's part to the kind consideration of the Most High;

had the rebel been doomed at once to eternal fire he would have richly merited the doom,

and if delivered from wrath, sovereign love alone has found a cause, for there was none in the sinner himself.

It is rich mercy.

Somethings are great, but have little efficacy in them, but this mercy is a cordial to your drooping spirits;

a golden ointment to your bleeding wounds;

a heavenly bandage to your broken bones;

a royal chariot for your weary feet;

a bosom of love for your trembling heart.

It is manifold mercy.

As Bunyan says, "All the flowers in God's garden are double."

There is no single mercy.

You may think you have but one mercy, but you shall find it to be a whole cluster of mercies.

It is abounding mercy.

Millions have received it, yet far from its being exhausted;

it is as fresh, as full, and as free as ever.

It is unfailing mercy.

It will never leave thee.

If mercy be thy friend, mercy will be with thee in temptation to keep thee from yielding;

with thee in trouble to prevent thee from sinking;

with thee living to be the light and life of thy countenance;

and with thee dying to be the joy of thy soul when earthly comfort is ebbing fast.

~this devotion is written by Charles Spurgeon and can be found at www.heartlight.org~

Have Mercy on Me!

{this devotion is originally from www.heartlight.org}
"Then they came to the town of Jericho.
Jesus was leaving that town with his followers and many other people.
A blind man named Bartimaeus (son of Timaeus) was sitting by the road.
This man was always begging for money.
The blind man heard that Jesus from Nazareth was walking by.
The blind man shouted, "Jesus, Son of David, please help me!"
~Mark 10:46-47 (ERV)~

KEY THOUGHT:
So often we let pride and social convention keep us from asking from God what we most need from Him
and what He is often most willing to give us ~
mercy.
Let's not be shamed into silence.
When we realize we need mercy, grace, and forgiveness, let's not be shy about humbly asking for it
from our generous and loving Father.

TODAY'S PRAYER:
O Father, without Your mercy and grace I would surely fail to find my way into Your holy presence.
Thank You for lavishing Your gifts of grace and the Holy Spirit upon me.
Let me never forget Your mercy, love, and grace.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.

precious, precious Father...

my Father, my Dad, my Daddy...

how many times have i felt utterly alone in the struggles i face day to day?

how many times have i called on Your name and You have saved me?

how can i ever thank You completely for all You have done in my heart and life?

You are literally my Everything.

my All in All.

"Surely this is our God;

we trusted in him, and he saved us.

This is the Lord, we trusted in him;

let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

~Isaiah 25:9~

"O Lord, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness

you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago."

~Isaiah 25:1~

these words seem so inadequate but they are all i have:

thank You, thank You, thank You...

for all of time, my Father,

i will thank You...

when we cannot see...

The View from a Troubled Heart,
by Bill Sherrill

"O that they were wise, that they understood this, that they would consider their latter end!"
(Deuteronomy 32:29 KJV).
"And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich."
(Ruth 3:10).
"So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses"
(Job 42:12).

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter what you tried to do nothing ever seemed to turn out alright?
Most of us have felt that at one time or another.
Some continually feel this way because life has been so difficult for them...

Jeremiah was distressed because the righteous seemed to suffer and the wicked prospered (Jeremiah 12:1).
Job, in his terrible trials, forgot all the good he had enjoyed and became so focused on his tragedies that he wished to have never been born.
The prophet Elijah cried out that he would be better off dead since he was hunted by his enemies and "I,only I am left."
To which the LORD replied, "I have 7,000 left who have not bowed their knees to Baal" (1 Kings 19:18).
The truth is, that until these "considered their latter end" of God's work, they could not make any sense of the affairs of their lives.
It is not possible to see, from our limited viewpoint, just what God has in store for us or how He will use us in His service.
Through God's providence they found joy!

One of the best told and most beautiful stories found in the Bible is about just such a situation...

An Israelite wife and mother, Naomi left her homeland with her husband and two sons because there was a great famine in their land.
After arriving in a foreign land, her husband died and left her with the two sons. After a time, the sons married and then they also died without children.
Naomi had heard that her homeland was once again reaping harvests so she determined to return to a place where she had kin. After her two daughters-in-law had traveled with her for a distance, she implored them to return to their own houses in the hope that they, being young, might find other husbands and raise families.
When they pleaded with her to let them continue with her, in the accumulation of misery that had befallen her,
Naomi said "My life is much too sad for you to share, because the LORD has been against me!" (Ruth 1:13).
"The LORD has been against me!"
How bitter Naomi must have felt! After all, nothing of value in her entire life remained; she was old and alone. But that for which she could never have dreamed was in the making. One of the young women who were her daughters-in-law refused to leave her and under her direction married the wealthy and kind Boaz.
And beyond any one's wildest dreams, Naomi's faithful daughter-in-law became one of three foreign women in the line which produced the Lord Jesus the Christ!
Through God's providence, Naomi and Ruth found joy in the present world and have gone down in history as two of the most famous women of all time!

Perhaps we -- like King David, Job, Elijah, and Naomi -- need to wait to see the "latter end"
before we assume that the LORD is unfair.

When we look back at our lives from the Eternal Kingdom, I suspect we might just find a few things of real glory in the life which seemed so empty.I guess "hind sight" will always be clearer than our present view.
Perhaps that is one of the most important reasons to trust in God's providence.
God didn't make anyone who is not important in His eyes
--no matter how it may look at the moment from our own point of view!---------

(c) 2008 Bill Sherrill
this article is originally from www.heartlight.org

forgiveness...

Forgiveness?,

by Ron Rose

{this devotion can be found at http://www.heartlight.org}

She came in complaining about my sermons always being about forgiveness and grace ...

I needed to come down harder on the sinners and in her words, "nail them."

After her rant, I asked, "So, you've got forgiveness and grace all worked out in your own life?"

"Well, Ron, there are some things you can't turn loose of, things that don't deserve grace, or forgiveness.

That's just the way it is. I know it's that way in my family."

She leaned over my desk and revealed a heart hardened by resentment and bitterness,

"No, forgiveness is not an option. I've been hurt too much."

The grudge was too embedded.

And her spiritual life was powerless and trapped in the wilderness.

Lack of forgiveness had turned in a critical, spirit of judgment.

She wanted me to make everyone else as miserable as she was ...

as long as she was in charge, of course.

A year later she left the church ... looking for harder preaching.

On the other side of her story is Reginald Denny.

Remember him?

Forgiveness doesn't make sense!

Years ago, Reginald Denny drove his truck into the riots of South Central Los Angeles

and the video cameras captured every detail of two men smashing his truck window with a brick,

hauling him from the cab and beating him with a broken bottle and kicking him until the side of his face was caved in.

Then at the trial, in spite of protests from his own lawyers, Denny walked over to the

mothers of the two defendants, hugged them and told them he forgave them.

The mothers responded with hugs and tears.

How could he do that?

One commentator stated, "Well you know, Denny did suffer some brain damage."

Forgiveness doesn't make sense:

sometimes it just seems like nothing is more important than hanging on to the grudge ...

sometimes "turning loose" is nothing but a slogan.

But, then God steps in and a miracle happens ... Turning loose becomes an experience.

Don't forget three basics:

1. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you condone what was done.

2. Forgiveness doesn't depend on the other person's apology ... it's the experience of finding inner peace.

3. Forgiveness is a gift for you ... by offering it, your life is no longer controlled by what someone else has done.

The weight of hurt and resentment and bitterness are released and you are finally free.

God has forgiven ... so what are you going to do?

His promises...and waiting on Him

MORNING:
"Tell me I pray thee wherein thy great strength lies."
-- Judges 16:6

Where lies the secret strength of faith?
It lies in the food it feeds on; for faith studies what the promise is-
an emanation of divine grace,an overflowing of the great heart of God;
and faith says, "My God could not have given this promise, except from love and grace;
therefore it is quite certain his Word will be fulfilled."
Then faith thinks, "Who gave this promise?"
It considers not so much its greatness, as, "Who is the author of it?"
She remembers that it is God who cannot lie-God omnipotent, God immutable; and
therefore concludes that the promise must be fulfilled; and forward she advances in this firm conviction.
She remembers, why the promise was given,-namely, for God's glory,
and she feels perfectly sure that God's glory is safe, that he will never stain his own escutcheon,
nor mar the lustre of his own crown;
and therefore the promise must and will stand.
Then faith also considers the amazing work of Christ as being a clear proof of the Father's intention
to fulfil his word.
"He that spared not his own Son, but freely delivered him up for us all,
how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?"
Moreover faith looks back upon the past,for her battles have strengthened her, and her victories have given her courage.
She remembers that God never has failed her;
nay, that whenever did once fail any of his children.
She recollected times of great peril, when deliverance came; hours of awful need,
when as her day her strength was found, and she cries,
"No, I never will be led to think that he can change and leave his servant now.
Hitherto the Lord hath helped me, and he will help me still."
Thus faith views each promise in its connection with the promise-giver, and,
because she does so, can with assurance say,
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life!"

EVENING:

"Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation;
on thee do I wait all the day."
-- Psalms 25:5

When the believer has begun with trembling feet to walk in the way of the Lord,
he asks to be still led onward like a little child upheld by its parent's helping hand,
and he craves to be further instructed in the alphabet of truth.
Experimental teaching is the burden of this prayer.
David knew much, but he felt his ignorance, and desired to be still in the Lord's school:
four times over in two verses he applies for a scholarship in the college of grace.
It were well for many professors if instead of following their own devices, and
cutting out new paths of thought for themselves, they would enquire for the good old ways
of God's own truth, and beseech the Holy Ghost to give them sanctified understandings
and teachable spirits.
"For thou art the God of my salvation."
The Three-One Jehovah is the Author and Perfecter of salvation to his people.
Reader, is he the God of your salvation? Do you find in the Father's election, in the Son's atonement,
and in the Spirit's quickening, all the grounds of your eternal hopes?
If so, you may use this as an argument for obtaining further blessings;
if the Lord has ordained to save you, surely he will not refuse to instruct you in his ways.
It is a happy thing when we can address the Lord with the confidence which David here manifests,
it gives us great power in prayer, and comfort in trial.
"On thee do I wait all the day."
Patience is the fair handmaid and daughter of faith; we cheerfully wait when we are certain that
we shall not wait in vain.
It is our duty and our privilege to wait upon the Lord in service, in worship, in expectancy,
in trust all the days of our life.
Our faith will be tried faith, and if it be of the true kind, it will bear continued trial without yielding.
We shall not grow weary of waiting upon God if we remember how long and how graciously
he once waited for us...

"God~joined"

"God has joined those two people together. So no person should separate them."
~Mark 10:9

KEY THOUGHT:

God has the power to make two people one.
Marriage is not about a wedding, but about a man and a woman entering into a covenant relationship
with God.
God is the greater party in the covenant.
The man and the woman give their highest allegiance and commitment to God when they marry.
There will be times when their spouse will unfortunately disappoint them or let them down.
But, God wants them to remember that their highest priority is not treating their spouse as he
or she deserves, but as God would have them be treated.
Honoring God in the way they treat each other is the key to marriage as God sees it.
God wants husbands and wives to understand that breaking a marriage apart is an offense
against God --
he is the one who makes couples one and the one with whom they enter into covenant relationship.
God hates covenants made with him to be broken.

TODAY'S PRAYER:

O God, please give your people a deeper appreciation of what it means to enter into covenant with you when they marry.
Help me, O God, to be a covenant-keeper and a person who encourages others to be loyal to you and the covenants they make with you.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

trusting You, dear Abba...

i don't really know how to say this...

i am afraid.

there, i guess that's the best way.

i am afraid that i won't live to see my children's high school graduations.

i am afraid of the moment they move out and i am left behind with my Petey and all the silence.

i am afraid of the moment i will lose my Mom.

i am afraid that my 'family' will never again be reunited.

i am afraid that when i cry out to God, in a very critical moment, that He won't save me...

and that last fear is the most important one:

my Abba Father always asks me:

Elaine, do you trust Me?

i don't...not always...He knows the truth of it.

and that particular question of His is so very loaded...

do you trust Me, Elaine? . . .

to be in control of how and when you die from this liver disease?

to love and care for you when your children move out and onward?

to be your surrogate "Ma" when she eventually passes?

to reunite all those in repentance as I have foretold?

to save you, My little girl, when you call on My Name?

i sit here, as tears fall down my cheeks, and i pray:

dearest Father, i so want to trust in You completely ~

please save me from my unbelief!

You are my refuge and my strength...

i put my tiny hand in Your Omnipotent one

as i put my trust in You...

"if i should lose it all dear Lord, and still have You,

then in the end, i've not lost a thing..."

e.e.e.

His artistry...

this is a recent pic from my front porch...and all of this sky is from God's own 'paintbrush'!

amazing, isn't it?

a new start...

{click on image above to see original article and
daily devotions from Heartlight.org}

Am I Beyond God’s Forgiveness?

by Jim Clark

Did you ever think you were beyond God’s forgiveness?

Russell Ford has befriended hundreds of men who believed that lie. Yet God’s grace showed them otherwise. When I read his story this summer I was struck with the beauty of Christ’s forgiveness and the miracle of God’s awesome grace.

Russell Ford has watched many of his friends die. It’s an integral part of his most unusual ministry. Ford is a chaplain for Death Row inmates in Boydton, Virginia. He knows he can’t save men’s lives. But he can lead them to the One who saves souls.

Ford works with men who have committed gruesome murders. Some of them refuse to accept Christ’s forgiveness. But thankfully, some do. He has helped several brutal murderers become repentant pilgrims.

Men like Alton Waye. He was convicted for killing a sixty-one year old woman. Even other death row inmates found Waye to be particularly mean. As with others, Russell Ford taught this man the gospel. Months passed and yet Waye didn’t seemed to change.

Then days before his 1989 execution, this murderer’s demeanor had suddenly reversed. Ford walked Waye’s cell and found him singing spirituals. He had decided to accept the pardon from Jesus. The night before he was executed Alton Waye, the murderer, confessed his faith in Jesus and was baptized. Twelve members of the death squad witnessed God’s miracle of redemption. After the baptism, they all joined hands, singing “Amazing Grace” and reciting the Lord’s prayer.

No one is beyond Christ’s forgiveness.

You may think, “But I feel so unworthy. I’ve failed God so terribly.”

Listen, we’ve all failed.

We’re all sinners.

The great apostle Paul called himself the worst of sinners.

And yet Christ showed him mercy “as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.“ (1 Timothy 1:16, NIV)

When you’ve really blown it with your life. When you just can’t shake this feeling that God won’t forgive you, the place to go is Jesus. As I think of the stories of Jesus interacting with “sinners” and religious leaders, I’m reminded of the stark contrast between His interaction with each group. So often those who knew they were wrong before God were often the ones most attracted to the Lord. While those who believed their religious balance sheet put them in the black locked horns with this One who claimed to be the Messiah.

Jesus extended the realm of God’s mercy.

I’ve just finished an outstanding book on Jesus by my favorite author, Philip Yancey.

It’s entitled "The Jesus I never knew".

His chapter on the revolution of grace unearthed for me a fresh new glimpse at the approachable nature of Jesus. As he peruses the various encounters Jesus had with the unsavory people of his day, Yancey makes these observations:

“In word and deed Jesus was proclaiming a radically new gospel of grace...In short, Jesus moved the emphasis from God’s holiness (exclusive) to God’s mercy (inclusive). Instead of the message ‘No undesirables allowed,’ he proclaimed, ‘In God’s kingdom there are no undesirables.’ By going out of his way to meet with Gentiles, eat with sinners, and touch the sick, he extended the realm of God’s mercy.”

As I read of the grisly crimes of these death row inmates, I caught myself thinking the words of the pious Pharisee in Luke 18. Then I read Chaplain Ford’s reminder: “Christ died for all of our sins. These men committed terrible sin, but they are not beyond God’s love.“

Aren’t we all guilty?

Paul states clearly that the ground is level at the foot of the cross.

“For there is no distinction to be made anywhere: everyone has sinned, everyone falls short of the God’s plan.“ (Romans 3:23)

In a sense, everyone of us is on death row. Until Jesus opens the door locked by our sin and acquits us of our crime against the Holy One. We all can be pardoned because Jesus “went to the chair” for us. Everyone of us.

“A man who has faith is freely acquitted in the eyes of God by his generous dealing in the redemptive act of Christ Jesus.“ (Romans 3:24)

We can learn a lot from Alton Waye, the death row inmate. He discovered that the grace of God was not out of his reach, no matter how badly he sinned. And neither is it out of reach for all of us. Look again at Jesus. Look again to Jesus. His life and sacrifice for us shout out the timeless good news-an eternal pardon is awaiting anyone who comes to the Father through faith in His Son. He’s the author of radical grace, the grace that truly can set our souls free.

When you feel you’ve outsinned God’s grace, remember this:

your forgiveness doesn’t depend on your worthiness, but on what Christ has done for you at the cross.

He loves you.

Receive that love and new start today...

what compassion can do...

{click on image above to see original article and

daily devotions from Heartlight.org}

More than One Way to Hit a Homerun,
by Steve Higginbotham

You've probably already heard what happened recently when Central Washington and Western Oregon faced off against each other in a softball game --

At stake was a bid to the NCAA's Division II playoffs.
Western Oregon's, Sara Tucholsky came to the plate with two runners on base.
Tucholsky was a lifetime .153 hitter and had never hit a homerun.
However, things were about to change.
She connected on a pitch and hit a three run homer!
Due to her excitement, she missed first base.
So she stopped and turned to go back to the base.
But when she made the sudden stop and turn, she collapsed to the ground, having torn her ACL.
The people in the stands were shedding tears.
That's when things got interesting.
Mallory Holtman and Liz Wallace, two players on the opposing team offered to carry her around
the bases so that her homerun would not be counted as a single.
So these two players gently picked up Tucholsky, and carried her around the bases,
allowing her to tap each base along the way.
After reaching home plate,these two girls handed Tucholsky off to her own teammates.
The players, the coaches, and the people in the stands were applauding and shedding tears
because of this act of compassion.
When asked later why she did it, Mallory Holtman said that it was senior day and that if it
had happened to her, she would have wanted someone to come to her aid.
In other words, she was practicing the "Golden Rule" --

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

(Matthew 7:12 paraphrased).
Isn't it amazing how following the common principles of Jesus makes such an impact for good in our world?
Open your eyes to the possibilities before you.
You may not have the opportunity to carry someone around the bases;
but if you look around at school, your job or your neighborhood, you will find things you can do that can have just as much impact on the lives of others.
---------
(c) 2008 Steve Higginbotham

thank You, thank You, my Father...

along with millions of people, me and my lil family tuned in to watch the finale of american idol...

the final contestants, two wonderful people with sincere hearts and amazing talent...

we had watched the night before, as they each sang 3 songs and gave everything they had in the moment.

my heart broke when simon went too far in several of his comments and i watched the spirit of david cook fall to the proverbial floor.
there was real discouragement there and i grew angry with simon's unfeeling assessment of his 3 performances while he actively rallied for david archuleta.

as i watched last night, i remembered with great feeling all simon had said the night before...i was so disappointed in the man who i've grown to admire.

then the unthinkable happened...

simon 'ate and owned' his behavior and words of the night before!

in front of literally millions of people, he unabashedly apologized in detail and my heart soared towards the judge who people have loved to hate.

and though i am so grateful to Abba that 'cookie' won, i am most grateful and thrilled that a seemingly harsh and indifferent man, chose to 'eat and own' his damaging behavior.

what courage that takes!

what beauty is seen in the utter vulnerability of that moment!

what grace that God bestows upon us when we are humble and contrite!

to me, there is nothing as lovely and precious as the moment we 'eat and own' what we have done...

though simon may or may not be a Christian, i truly felt the presence of God when he admitted his previous night's behavior was wrong.

have you ever felt compelled to call or write a loved one when you knew you had to repent of something you've done?

ever felt the fear of rejection and yet moved forward courageously into that moment anyways?

i have.

though my repentance was and always will be genuine, i was rejected nonetheless...

the heartache of not being believed, of not being accepted, of not being forgiven, is too vast for me to describe here, but i am sure i am not alone in this experience and even if i could go back to the moment i confessed and begged for another chance,
i would not change a thing...

true repentance is not contingent upon other's forgiveness...
it is a gift from God and though the 'death to self' is indescribably painful, it is worth every single minute...

when we repent, we become free...

free from inner condemnation,

free from the oppressive guilt.

and free to let Abba work it out in the lives of those around us.

i cannot change a single person i've known and loved...

i can only change me.

and

i can only change me with Abba's help.

we just cannot do it on our own...

if there is anything at all that is 'unfinished business' between you and someone else,
please take the courageous step forward into 'eating and owning' your own behavior.

you can do it...

if i can...you can.

accept the Lord's help in moving forward towards repentance...

and He'll stand beside you until your sorrow turns to joy.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
*2 peter 3:9*

weary...

i'm tired tonight, Abba...

worn down by the Battle

and too weary for even

one

more

word.

this old fool...

this apology is dedicated to t, a, i, and lil g...

this last weekend i made a terrible mistake...
motivated by fear, shock and sorrow, i acted on just 1 piece of information
and hurt you in the process.
i believed my daughter was being tortured.
and though the situation was dire for my daughter, there was no torture involved.

that's why i wrote the things i did...
but my motive doesn't make it any better...
and for causing you such grief, i am sorry.

you all mean the world to me and i should have fought that spirit of fear and turned the whole situation over to Abba who is much more than able to take care of it all then me and my ridiculous lack of information.
though others have turned on me, (with good reason), you didn't, and i will be grateful to you forever...

so, please forgive me and know i will do a much better job of handing things over to Abba, the next time...
though i pray there isn't one!

please know i love you all dearly...
i hurt you and if i could, i'd never say the things i did and i'd never base everything on 1 single piece of information.
if i could...

this old fool,

elaine

it's Prom!

my handsome son and his beautiful sweetie...

thank you!

even though my birthday is not officially for 2 more days, my family

combined easter and my birthday yesterday...

it was the best birthday party i think i've ever had!
so much kindness and thoughtfulness put into it all
with pretty decorations, a delicious cake and such kind gifts...

and i'm just so grateful to them all:

mom & dad

renee', ron, corey, christopher and king linus

nattie, gregory and li-li

mou, nanna and beezawee.

we all missed ernzy...he is the only one that could have made it even more special.

(~we love you always, ernzy~)

we had an easter egg hunt outside, even though it was rainy...

i couldn't join in but i watched and cheered them on!

(my mom joined the kids and she looked so precious and tiny as she quietly looked for eggs...God bless you, Ma)

there was ham, a beautiful fruit salad, green-bean casserole, potatoes o'gratin, rolls, shrimp cocktail dip, vanilla ice cream and a beautiful cake from cosco...

mom blessed me with 4 pairs of shoes - (i have pretty strappy heels now!), 2 beautiful button up cardigans - one red, one cream, jewelry, a new silver purse, nail polish and makeup!

dad blessed me with a very nice box fan - (i sleep on my couch and not in my room and the white noise helps me rest), and smokes - yay!

'nae and ron blessed me with a beautiful pink-ice sterling ring and money for Taco Bell - my new fav! (for some reason, it is the only thing i can eat that doesn't make me want to "v")

nattie and gregory blessed me with a funny card and a gift card to barnes & noble...i can never have too many books, i am a voracious reader!

treesa peesa has blessed me with a homemade betty boop purse, cadbury eggs and my fav hair dye!

i mean WOW...

best birthday ever!!!

thank you all for loving me so much...

and though i can never deserve it or understand why, i will be grateful for always and always and always...

all my heart and soul,

your lainey

i want to be seen...

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me,

an emptiness that at times seems to burn.

I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.

The moon tonight, there's a circle around it.

Sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole.

Of not going to sleep each night, wanting.

But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing...

I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me.

I want to be seen.

I don't know.

Maybe I had my happiness.

I don't want to believe it but, there is no man.

Only that moon..."

~Practical Magic~

for ernzy...

(my mom decided this year to bury ernzy's ashes...to give him a resting place.

he now lies next to my dad.

the following is what i read at his memorial service.

i love you, ernzy...this is for you.)

"FOR ERNZY"

i call him 'my ernzy'

but i think he was never truly mine.

he was God's

he IS God's

and he will always be mom's little boy...

i am grateful to ernzy for many things...

ernzy encouraged me to sing, made me laugh when i cried and included me in some of his childhood adventures.

he kept me safe in school when we attended at the same time.

girls, in his grade, came up to me often and said how great they thought ernzy was.

teachers would tell me what a joy it was to have him in their classroom.

i was proud of him for that.

ernzy often pushed the boundaries in this life.

he was an inventor...a visionary.

he was never content to look at life and say 'there it is'...

he looked at something and said 'how can i change it?'

he became my hero when my life was falling down around my ears and my little cat, zaw-zaw baby, died in the middle of it all.

he came to my house and told me he would bury zaw-zaw for me so i wouldn't have to.

he quietly and gently buried him and said a small prayer for him.

he wanted to spare me as much pain as he could...

that's a hero.

he wanted to be just like chuck norris and evil knievel wrapped in one.

he loved imitating chuck from the movies and building ramps for his bicycle.

always pushing the boundaries...

how fast can i go? how much farther?

he tried to save the life of a baby birdy...

he gave it warmth, light, food and love.

he couldn't save it, but, oh how he tried.

it is a credit to him how much he loved...

how much he believed in love and how much he wanted to be loved in return.

i failed him at different times in his life -

that is certain.

i wish i could tell him how sorry i am for those moments...

i'm sure he'd love me and forgive me in time.

there were times he failed me too, but all i think about when i think of him, is how much i'd give for just 5 more minutes with him.

i think we all wish for that.

regardless of any of his failings, his life shouts this lesson to us all:

whatever he did, whoever he loved, he gave all he had.

he held nothing back.

he didn't count on tomorrow

he lived for today...

i think we should too.

jonah...

VERSE:
"From inside the fish Jonah prayed ... "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry."
-- Jonah 2:1-2

THOUGHT:
Jonah was disobedient, rebellious, and selfish.
He had run from the Lord.
He had shunned the Lord's command.
He had endangered the lives of those on the ship where he had tried to hide.
Yet even in the middle of his rebellion, God heard his cry and delivered him.
If you are in rebellion, if you are seeking to hide some secret and all-consuming sin, please know the Lord wants to ransom and redeem you!
Things won't be easy, but coming back to the Lord means ultimate redemption and deliverance.

PRAYER:
Holy and righteous Father, please forgive me of my sin.
In your grace, dear Father, please lead me to someone who needs to know of your grace and redemption. Please use me to help them escape from their bondage to sin and shame.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.