Sunday, October 28
i've been really blessed today...my soul-sis and closest friend, ttt, came to visit (and she is staying the night right now) and when i had nowhere else to turn for help, she and her precious froggy, helped me.
my children are healthy and doing well in school, my lil petey is my constant companion and friend, the kitties are doing well and even the weather was pretty today...
so many blessings...
i watched the movie "1408" tonight and in it John Cusacks character gets to see his deceased little girl again...gets to hold her and cry and just be with her again and something inside me started to hurt...
i started to bleed.
i'd give the world to be able to see my brother, ernzy, again...to hear his voice and give him a fierce hug.
it's a wound that is with me always.
somedays i barely feel any pain and others...like now, it's like i'm hearing it for the first time all over again.
there is so much in this world that i truly do not understand...it seems that the older i become the less i know...and until Jesus comes for us, i will never understand how i lost both my father and brother to suicide.
i do not understand how one day ernzy can be with me visiting and just 2 days later shoot himself.
i cannot even conceive of it.
and at times like this, i cannot bear the pain.
my mom and sisters knew what happened before i did.
my mom called ttt to hurry and come over because my lil sister nattie, was on her way to tell me the news.
though it happened last february, i cannot think of my lil sister without remembering that terrible, terrible day.
I want to see my ernzy again...dear Abba, my Father, my Daddy.
i want to see him now...this moment.
after ernzy died, i wasn't 'making it', i was barely surviving and then one night i had a dream, where i was in Heaven and i saw ernzy...
he was, for the only time in his life, whole, and completely at peace.
though i cannot remember my dreams, i can describe in great detail the contents of that dream.
it wasn't just a dream.
it was Abba helping me to see how ernzy is whole now.
the peace on his face cannot be truly described, such contentment, no more fear, pain or struggle.
and that dream changed me.
it saved me.
the picture of ernzy in my mind was replaced by how i saw him in the dream.
he was wearing a beautiful gray sweater, just like one he had, and he was leaning up against a beautiful white and luminous wall and smiling.
i've never seen a smile like that.
it was pure peace and pure joy.
can you imagine?
Heavenly peace and joy...
my brother had lived a tortuous, frail, and indescribably painful life.
his wife had abandoned him shortly before his death.
he tried everything he could to get her to just come home again, but her addiction to pain pills kept her
in a strange and unreachable place.
she refused to even speak with him over the telephone.
and almost immediately following his last attempt to reach her, her liver shut down and she was rushed to the hospital.
to save her from further damage, the physicians placed her into a deliberate coma.
she died just a day or two later...
ernzy never got to resolve things with her...he never even got to say goodbye.
and ernzy didn't want to live anymore...he didn't want to live without her.
he couldn't face the prospect of living without his wife.
so he used a gun, (like my dad did), and took his life...
i praise God for giving me that dream/vision of how ernzy is now.
the pain is behind him, no more struggle, no more heartache...he's finally free.
and at long last, no more torture...
when the pain rolls over me in waves, i cling to that image, that knowledge that ernzy is still alive...
alive and truly at peace.
i miss you, ernzy.
and i love you so very, very much.
pleasant dreams to us all...
Saturday, October 13
Have you ever held onto a dream that doesn't make sense?
Like a candle that doesn't ever seem to go out?
I have.
I've hoped and believed in a dream that has yet to come true.
Makes me feel a bit like Noah.
Oh, how they mocked and ridiculed him for building a boat and warning them of the last earthly flood.
But I think that's how faith is...a risk...the greatest risk there is.
To believe that God doesn't lie.
To hold onto the impossible, believing He can change anything and anyone.
In the blink of an eye...
Do you believe?
Are you willing to proclaim His great and everlasting Love to a world
filled with unbelief and doubt?
As for me and mine, I'm gonna hold onto this dream...this promise.
And like Noah, when it begins to rain, I won't be a fool anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"God's Own Fool"
~Verse 1~
Seems I've imagined Him all of my life
As the wisest of all of mankind
But if God's Holy wisdom is foolish to men
He must have seemed out of His mind
For even His family said He was mad
And the priest said a demon's to blame
But God in the form of this angry young man
Could not have seemed perfectly sane
~Chorus~
When we in our foolishness thought we were wise
He played the fool and He opened our eyes
When we in our weakness believed we were strong
He became helpless to show we were wrong
And so we follow God's own fool
For only the foolish can tell
Believe the unbelievable
Come be a fool as well
~Verse 2~
So come lose your life for a carpenter's son
For a madman who had died for a dream
And you'll feel the faith His first followers had
And you'll feel the weight of the beam
So surrender the hunger to say you must know
Have the courage to say I believe
For the power of paradox opens your eyes
And blinds those who say they can see
~Chorus~
So we follow God's own Fool
For only the foolish can tell
Believe the unbelievable, and come be a fool as well
*by Michael Card*
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